ho hum

This past weekend we took the kids downtown to peer inside The Bay’s shop window at the Eaton’s Centre. We then rode the streetcar back home. We sat in the very back.

A woman came on-about mid 30s-kind dumpy and was talking on her cell phone. She was telling the person she was talking to that she had just come from the gym. She had gone there to cancel her membership but they persuaded her to keep it. And she, the fool, agreed. So now she has 3 months free but must pay for an additional 3 months before she can meekly attempt to cancel yet again.

I was going to tell her it was such a dumb move on her part but since we are strangers I decided to keep my comments to myself (besides, I think she coulda taken me) I kept eavesdropping and wanted to stare at her too but every time I glanced over SHE was staring at ME. Hrmph..hard to stare when the staree becomes the starer....so furtive glances were all I managed. She was wearing tight jeans and had a nice squishy belly. Had bright red lipstick and a nice ‘do. She had a great voice and I wanted to tell her she should be on radio but didn’t want to interrupt her phone conversation.

After a few attempts to stare at her she moved away towards the front of the streetcar. My kids were pretty noisy....

You know who is really cool? Those guys that guide your car into the grooves at a car wash or a lube place. You know how they stand there and move their hands-waving to the left...then right...then coaxing you forward..then hand out to tell you to STOP! They are cool and kinda sexy.

This morning dh pointed out that I am now sporting a fat dimple on the top of my butt. Yes that right, a lump of fat, a valley, the dimple and then another lump of fat. I have named it my ‘Christmas dimple’ ho ho ho

Rodent Rambling

Ok..this is really bad but I am reposting a short post I posted on another thread (I am writing 'post' too often) so apologies to all (especially if any chickies from the other thread are reading this-sorry 'Neet!) But I need to keep this blog alive and am too beat to think of something to say..will try to slack from work next week and come up with some brilliant thought provoking posts....or at least a few with a sprinkling of swear words..which everyone knows is really cool and it means I have a lot of friends and I am not scared of anyone (which is a big fat lie..I am scared of almost everything...real coward...) ok..here it is! Oh it's old..like a couple of months.get off my back I am eating a big box of Godiva chocolates and watching Cops...

So last night after kids were tucked up in bed dh and I were being lazy on the couch and watching our favourite Cdn show 'The Dragon's Den' when we heard 'scratch scratch scratch' from the kitchen.

We crept in like guerilla warriors and when dh gave me the signal I flung on the lights And there...hanging INSIDE the heat vent with his pink nose sticking out was a MOUSE..little b@stard..dh said ‘well.....hello...’

It scurried off down our duct. We placed a trap inside the heating vent-put the cover back on and scampered off with gleeful thoughts of decapitated mice dancing in our minds...

Not 5 minutes later we hear the sound every homeowner in the fall wants to hear ‘SNAP’. We scamper back in..dh lifts off the cover of the vent and to our dismay we find nothing there!! No trophy dead mouse....no trap!!!

By this point I am a blithering idiot babbling about a fire starting if that trap happens to plunge into our fiery furnace..dh is in the basement trying to figure out how to open up the duct work to reach inside to see if he can get the trap.

All is lost and I head to bed (well..to read my Toronto Life mag...but then to bed)

So the next morning dh calls his dad to come with tools...I call my friend’s dh who is a HVAC guy. He says that there is minimal risk to fire and the AC coil will prevent it from falling.

So dh dad comes over..insists on trying to retrieve the errant trap and has this horrible contraption that looks similar to a piece of medical equipment used in women who were in a ‘frenzied state’ from a 1880s medical textbook I have....

Anyway, he manages to fish out the trap and lo and behold there is a dead rodent grinning at us with a dab of peanut butter on his nose.

Victory is ours!!!!!!!

Sadly, after the SNAP dh actually saw another mouse dart behind a piece of furniture in our living room....so the war continues....

Berry Conclusion

The blackberry lady came to my house twice yesterday. Once to harass my nanny; the other time to retrieve her priceless status symbol.

So, I get home and my nanny tells me ‘oh..that lady who lost her blackberry came over’ and I said ‘WHA??? I told her hub I wouldn’t be home until 6pm?”

So, nanny says that the lady didn’t even knock (I’ll bet she rang our broken doorbell) but nanny saw her at the door and opened it. The lady said ‘where’s my Blackberry?’ no, ‘hello’ no ‘thank you oh kind lady for finding my Blackberry and being honest enough to return it’ oh no..just ‘where’s my Blackberry?’. She then asked ‘you called? You have it?’ once she saw the confused look on my nanny’s face. (my nanny frequently has the confused look-she uses it as a defense mechanism- I’m sure of it)

Anyhooo..nanny tells the bitch in black that her precious Blackberry is safely in her ‘employers’ (that’s me) hands and I won’t be home until 6pm so buzz off (I made up that last bit).

So I get home..at 6:15 lady knocks..she is nice as pie to me...Andrew pops over with his crazy hair that sticks up at all angles and she oohs and goos over him. Then Ben pops over half naked (no pants) and she thanks him but does not loosen her purse strings to offer him a reward..cheap rich lady...hrmph....

We gab a bit as mothers do. Her son is in senior kindergarten and daughter in grade 2. We talk about the French program at the school. I ask her if it was difficult teaching her daughter to read in English. She exclaims ‘oh no..she taught herself’

Ahhh....another genius child. Lovely. So after bragging a bit more she went on her merry way. Skipping down my steps and being enveloped by the November night. I totally forgot to check out what kind of car she drove. Bet it was an Acura....

I went back inside and finished the Candyland game with the kids. Got it at a rummage sale for a buck. It didn’t have instruction. Not sure if ANY Candyland game comes with instructions.....or is it so easy that anyone can figure it out. There are these cards with lollipops and nuts and ice cream cones on them. Not sure what they are for so I made that bit up. Moot point anyway because Ben has stolen those cards and has hidden them in 2 of his hiding spots for treasures (under the cushion in the big chair in our living room and inside the fridge (?) )

Today is the American Thanskgiving and I shall eat a Stouffers Frozen Turkey dinner to show solidarity with my Yank friends!

Me so Sorry!

So I have no excuse as to why I am no longer posting..sheer laziness I suppose. But I have decided to give it one more go and try this newfangled blog business. So to begin again I shall repost a post I just wrote for another board I am a member on-see laziness comment above. Anyway, I make a solemn promise to post more......do you promise to read more? There...all better now....I'll be waiting for the flowers and candy in the post!

Lost 'N almost Found
So Ben (my 4 yr old) is constantly finding things on the sidewalk/ground/park..usually its nickels and pennies and half broken charms off of little girls’ necklaces-which he promptly orders me to put on a piece of string so he may prance about with a half broken pink heart-shaped charm much to my dh’s chagrin.

So last night when I got home from work my nanny said 'oh Ben found something today '. He ran over and showed me a Blackberry! I couldn’t figure out how to turn it on and assumed the battery was dead. Ben told me he found it on the sidewalk beside the library.

So I called my boss (who is a crackberry addict) and asked him how to turn the thing on...and we figured out the battery was dead so he told me to bring it to work and he’d charge it and try to figure out who it belonged to.

The next morning at 6:30 am kids and I are sitting around (YES..we wake up this early...feel sorry for me?) and we hear-bring ring ring..and I said 'what was that?' and Ben (ever the millennium child) responds, 'that's the Blackberry' hee

I grabbed it. The display was all lit up. So first I tried pushing a whack of buttons to make heads or tails out of this technical enigma....then I handed it to Ben to do the same..next was Andrew’s (almost 3 yr old son) turn..who managed to find her address book-but just names-no phone numbers....we got no further so I shoved it into my purse for my boss’s examination....

At work, my boss (of course) managed to tell me the owners name ‘Erica X’ and rhymed off a list of people in her phone book. The first woman I called ‘Suzanne’ denied Erica’s existence-should I tell Erica that Suzanne is no friend of hers?

At last boss man found her hubby-a lawyer-gave me his home/cell/work number. I called and at first he was not giving me any information about Erica but when he discovered that I had her Blackberry then it was all champagne and roses....he ended up being very nice and lives on a swanky street. He asked if I was comfortable giving out my addy to have wife come retrieve it-I told him I am FINE with that-if anyone should worry it should be them! So I gave my name and cell number and hope she comes tonight to get it..i am secretly hoping she give Ben a fin for his troubles-would be nice....and I’ll let him take it too...but won’t mention it lest he hold the Blackberry ransom until he gets the funds....we shall see...may be an exciting evening for us!!!


And the excitement did not end there last night. Ben brought home ‘Pirate Dog’ from his kindergarten class. Each child gets ‘Pirate’ for one evening/night. So far only Aaron has had him. (I guess they are going alphabetically) Aaron wrote his own name at the top of the first page and then his mum wrote all sorts of things about Pirate Dog’ and she has REALLY nice handwriting. She also drew a pic of Pirate on the opposite page and it appears that Aaron coloured it in-or else she is an awful ‘colour-er’ as the colouring is not inside the lines....

Anyhoo....I had to of course follow suit. So I wrote all sorts of neat things that Pirate has done at our house (all utter bullshit). I forced Ben to write his name and then I tried in my own lefty sloppy way to print neatly....also drew him in and Ben tried to colour it...then Ben asked me to draw an axe above the pic pf Pirate but I didn’t want the teacher to think Ben is a psycho and wants Pirate to be hacked into pieces so I made a very obscure axe-Ben said it looked like a flag.

This morning Ben said ‘hey..I forgot to sleep with Pirate last night’ I told him that I put Pirate on his bookshelf and he stayed there all night. I had already written that Pirate did this in the notebook-meanwhile he had actually spent the night crammed back into the tiny knapsack that he came home in....have I mentioned I hate dogs?

That Crazy Guy!!!

When I was in my early 20s and in college I would get a full time job every summer. Usually it was a mindless receptionist position. I would tell the boss that I was not going back to school (I was) and then I would quit in September (yeah, I know…).

Anyway, in every office there was always a ‘crazy guy’. Oh how we all laughed!! Good old wacky Donald - he’s a hoot!!!

I would be sitting there minding my own business doing my ‘receptionist boogie’ (talking on the phone with a friend) when Donald would waltz by, fiddled with the paper clips on my desk and then begin his hilarious monlogue.

He would catch my eye....throw out a tired riddle...I would give a half smile and a ‘hah’ and hope he would wander away. But he didn’t...he would stand there and start cutting up all the other sales reps (the crazy guy is usually a sales rep). He would say things like
‘that Sam is so cheap he’d eat his old shoes for the leather hahahahahhaha’ or
‘’hey..did you get a load of Walter’s pants? Yeeouch.I think I’ve gone blind..talk about colour....hahahahhaha’.

Then another employee would walk by, flash a smile and exclaim ‘ohh Donald! He is SO crazy hahahahahahaha’

Yeah, crazy Donald! I find that anyone who labels themselves as ‘crazy’ or ‘weird’ are really boring bland vanilla. They are the ‘wanna be nuts’ hoping that having quirks or being off the wall will merit them some character.

It’s usually the stupid ugly people who do this-smart people have their brains, beautiful people have their looks-but if you don’t have either ya gotta be ‘crazy’ wheeeeee

All the ‘crazies’ at work were far from crazy. They were so lame and obvious it made me almost embarrassed for them (if I wasn’t too busy despising them).

There was one in every single office I worked in. If you work in an office-look around.-who is the ‘crazy’ one'? .I’ll bet that that guy (or girl) Is just a big mouth bore. I’ll bet they also leave pee on the toilet seat.

After college I took an evening shift position at a production/pre press shop. I was one of about 20 people. Nobody talked to me. Not even the guy who was ordered to train me.

Every person that worked there was weird/crazy. But it was so refreshing because they all thought they were normal and sane (meanwhile, I was the only sane one).

I remember on my first evening I was behind a bank cutting copy and when I emerged the place was dead. All but one employee remained. When I asked him where everyone had gone he shrugged and said ‘they went home I guess’. Neither my boss nor my ‘trainer’ came to get me. Nobody told me I could go home. And they didn’t even tell me when to start the next day-they were all NUTS.

That remaining guy called in sick a few monts later..his excuse....He bumped his head on the ceiling while making his bed and passed out. Yeah...crazy...

They were quirky and odd and total misfits. I was home! I'm still there today.

Thursday Evening Musings

I would never get a nose ring...don’t you find that everyone with a nose ring will twiddle it or play with it and they always look like they are picking their nose? Who wants to look like a big nose picker??

Why has dandruff all of a sudden being called ‘dry scalp’ hasn’t it always been that? Is it somehow classier/cleaner to have a ‘dry scalp’ rather than ‘dandruff’.

People with soft calm slow speaking voices truly put me to sleep...and not in a bad way. I’ve never known how to tell these people they should do voiceovers for relaxation CDs-they’d make a killing. But they would get all offended and think I was telling them they were boring.....mmm..I’m getting all fuzzy just thinking of one of them...spoke to her today...sales rep...she’s like a candy box blonde...all blonde and pink and chubby...but her voice...ahhh...knocks my bp down 10 points... I purposely keep her on the phone and just zone out..ask her loads of questions.....zzzzzzzz

Why do most humans adorn themselves with metal and think they look like a dog’s dinner? What is it with jewelry and why are people nuts about wearing it? It’s uncomfortable and do people honestly think I think ’oh...look at that gold bangle..she is rich and classy and better than me....’

Doesn’t everyone feel a little like a hot shot when they use their work security tags to bleep themselves into a building/office...that’s right...I belong...

Why are men forced to urinate in front of one another? You know if this were the case for women there would be a massive uproar
'how dare you treat women like cattle!'
'how dare you not respect a woman's need for privacy'

But men just whip it out and start their engines..why?

Here! Here!

Ok..gonna make a concentrated effort to begin slagging everyone on my blog and keeping it relatively updated.

So....do you know which group of people do not get the recognition they deserve?

JUGGLERS

Juggling is amazing and VERY difficult but people are not as impressed as they should be. The hand eye co-ordination that is needed to juggle is something most morons can't achieve.

I wish I could juggle..I would thrill and entertain all my friends. I would be constantly picking up 3 objects (5 when I got to be really good) and casually start juggling them.......

'oh...this.....oh yes I can juggle..thanks for noticing...'

I would be the STAR at all parties...sigh....

People would introduce me as a juggler

'Here's Angela....she can juggle...'

ahh to be a juggler.....

ok..and here is a stupid thing people DO get a kick out of:
Dressing up monkeys/chimps in clothes and making them do 'human things'

This is NOT funny or amusing at all. It is so low brow (forgive the pun) and I do not find these chimps cute at all. They are ugly and possibly stinky. Plus they do not want to be smoking that cigar while playing a hand of poker...They would rather shove the poker chips up their noses and perhaps poo on the table.....

If someone has one of those novelty monkey calendars I know I can not be their friend....

hmmm...I can't be friends with:
1. People with monkey calendars-ok..already told you that one

2. People who say 'basically' too much

3. People who laugh EVERY time they complete a sentence

4. Racist people (I think I am a visible minority and nobody can convince me otherwise)

5. Men with a long nail on their baby finger-what is up with that? why? Do they think any woman wants to have sex with them with that horrible long (usually slightly dirty) fingernail

6. People who are not the slightest bit superstitious-no fun

7. People who SAY they are spontaneous-yeah.....sure you are....

8. People who never have cookies in their home

9. People who swear and then say 'excuse my French'

10. People who fart and then think if they say excuse me you will think it was a ok for them to fart

ok..now I am all riled up and looking for a fight! Oops...being beckoned back to my cage more later I promise