Wow-not only did I get a request to insult a profession but to give advice? (Angela gleefully rubbing her hands together!!).
I LOVE giving advice...usually it's unsolicited and nobody takes it. So I will be happy to give you my opinion-kathy...it was Kathy wasn't it? I am horrible with names!
Ok cops or as they are otherwise known as-pigs, fuzz (my favourite) police officers.
Ok....you know that bully in grade school? The one that would NOT pick on kids his own size? The one who kept flunking math? Well, he grew up to be a cop....
Cops LOVE their job. They LOVE pushing you around. They LOVE that you can't do anything about it and that they can reduce tough macho men into babbling babies (real turn on for the girl sitting beside these macho men-let me tell you!)
Not sure if I am even allowed to make fun of cops...are they protected somehow? hmmm...well I guess I'll find out!
Don't bother pleading when they pull you over for a ticket..or crying or arguing (do NOT do that).
It usually depends on their mood as to whether they will let you off or not. I find the best way to avoid a ticket (I am notorious for not making a complete stop at stop signs) is to agree with EVERYTHING the cop says.
Just tell them that if they say you went through the red then who are you to argue? They are the clever eagle eyed geniuses and you are a lowly evil law breaking citizen. That is your only hope to get out of a ticket...no guarantees......
ok..my advice to Kathy will follow!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Get Off My Lawn!
I have no fears about growing old. I am a hopeless hypochondriac so have always felt like my days were numbered. Was truly surprised I made it to the ripe old age of 12-pretty much had myself pegged as a dead 11 year old.
I even played out my funeral in my mind. My mother wailing beside my coffin..me all young and serene looking..wearing a clean (finally) dress with my hair (finally) combed. Everyone from my class talking about how wonderful I was-it was going to be a blast! Shame I would have to be dead to participate.
So for me to finally make it to senior citizen status will be a coup! Not that I am rushing away my life (technically you can’t really do that). I am enjoying every minute of the time I have just stomping around on this earth. I guess I should say ‘I don’t dread old age’.
Now granted I mean old age minus:
Whizzing in my pants
Having debilitating illnesses
Being crazy
I mean the standard type of old farts..puttering about, retired (amazing incentive for lazy people like me). I peg this fantasy age to be 70 years old. By the time you reach 70 you don’t care what others think of you and it shows.
I want to get that fabulous old lady hairstyle. Steel grey, short with a tight tight perm..I want to wear a slash of red or bright pink lipstick on my non-existent old lady lips, I wanna be able to mutter ‘hrmphhh’ (only old people can truly get away with that).
I want to be able to demand my seniors discount. I want to be able to coo and giggle at the ‘nice looking young man’ and everyone knows it is benign and cute….or just putter about in a flower garden and drink tea from a Royal Albert tea cup…..
I will have a cat or two…and name them really obscure names from towns I have visited.
I want to be able to watch ‘Wheel of Fortune’ and screech (wrong) answers at the TV…I will have a secret crush on Pat.
I already love old people food-soft, mushy, bland and unrecognizable…mmm…and I will be able to eat all the Chips Ahoy! chocolate chip cookies I want-who cares if I gain weight? Now is the time to let loose. I will eat everything I want. Maybe I will even take up smoking-why not? So I will be dead in 20 years-who cares? I’ll be 90!
Now what kind of old person shall I be? The sweet grandmotherly type that bakes cookies and teaches young girls to ‘tat’ (not really sure what this is..think it is done with strings) or a crazy grouchy hag-all the kids whispering that I am a witch.
As the witch I shall spend my days perched in a Queen Anne chair beside my big picture window. There I lay waiting..waiting..like a cat about to pounce on a sweet bluebird….waiting for the innocent sweet child to dash into my front yard to retrieve their errant Frisbee. That’s when I get my starring role,
‘Get off my lawn, boy!’ I holler from the partially open window. Sometimes with a clenched fist waving in the air, and on more daring days I will chase them away with a broomstick (hence, the witch talk).
Once I reach 78 I will move into a retirement home. I do not mean the ones where they park the people out in a hallway..sitting in their wheelchairs..ugh..that is just awful! I mean the ones that charge 2 grand a month (I hope my boys become doctors or electricians-someones gotta pay for this).
They have movie night, and a tuck shop and an ice cream parlor! They have a big media room with giant TVs, and a whole bunch of old people toddling along….cannot wait to just sit around and complain about everything…(sitting around doing nothing is very intriguing to severely lazy people).
I am also planning on being the resident slut. Cannot wait to drop all my inhibitions and get it on with all the male residents there….that’s if my dh is dead and buried or living in Keswick with his new wife….
So, I get to be lazy, eat anything I want, get it on with complete strangers, holler at young ‘ins…be very cheap and not care what I look like…….I think I have found utopia….shame it smells like lavender and moth balls….
I even played out my funeral in my mind. My mother wailing beside my coffin..me all young and serene looking..wearing a clean (finally) dress with my hair (finally) combed. Everyone from my class talking about how wonderful I was-it was going to be a blast! Shame I would have to be dead to participate.
So for me to finally make it to senior citizen status will be a coup! Not that I am rushing away my life (technically you can’t really do that). I am enjoying every minute of the time I have just stomping around on this earth. I guess I should say ‘I don’t dread old age’.
Now granted I mean old age minus:
Whizzing in my pants
Having debilitating illnesses
Being crazy
I mean the standard type of old farts..puttering about, retired (amazing incentive for lazy people like me). I peg this fantasy age to be 70 years old. By the time you reach 70 you don’t care what others think of you and it shows.
I want to get that fabulous old lady hairstyle. Steel grey, short with a tight tight perm..I want to wear a slash of red or bright pink lipstick on my non-existent old lady lips, I wanna be able to mutter ‘hrmphhh’ (only old people can truly get away with that).
I want to be able to demand my seniors discount. I want to be able to coo and giggle at the ‘nice looking young man’ and everyone knows it is benign and cute….or just putter about in a flower garden and drink tea from a Royal Albert tea cup…..
I will have a cat or two…and name them really obscure names from towns I have visited.
I want to be able to watch ‘Wheel of Fortune’ and screech (wrong) answers at the TV…I will have a secret crush on Pat.
I already love old people food-soft, mushy, bland and unrecognizable…mmm…and I will be able to eat all the Chips Ahoy! chocolate chip cookies I want-who cares if I gain weight? Now is the time to let loose. I will eat everything I want. Maybe I will even take up smoking-why not? So I will be dead in 20 years-who cares? I’ll be 90!
Now what kind of old person shall I be? The sweet grandmotherly type that bakes cookies and teaches young girls to ‘tat’ (not really sure what this is..think it is done with strings) or a crazy grouchy hag-all the kids whispering that I am a witch.
As the witch I shall spend my days perched in a Queen Anne chair beside my big picture window. There I lay waiting..waiting..like a cat about to pounce on a sweet bluebird….waiting for the innocent sweet child to dash into my front yard to retrieve their errant Frisbee. That’s when I get my starring role,
‘Get off my lawn, boy!’ I holler from the partially open window. Sometimes with a clenched fist waving in the air, and on more daring days I will chase them away with a broomstick (hence, the witch talk).
Once I reach 78 I will move into a retirement home. I do not mean the ones where they park the people out in a hallway..sitting in their wheelchairs..ugh..that is just awful! I mean the ones that charge 2 grand a month (I hope my boys become doctors or electricians-someones gotta pay for this).
They have movie night, and a tuck shop and an ice cream parlor! They have a big media room with giant TVs, and a whole bunch of old people toddling along….cannot wait to just sit around and complain about everything…(sitting around doing nothing is very intriguing to severely lazy people).
I am also planning on being the resident slut. Cannot wait to drop all my inhibitions and get it on with all the male residents there….that’s if my dh is dead and buried or living in Keswick with his new wife….
So, I get to be lazy, eat anything I want, get it on with complete strangers, holler at young ‘ins…be very cheap and not care what I look like…….I think I have found utopia….shame it smells like lavender and moth balls….
Friday, July 4, 2008
'And The Rest'
Accountants
Ok..accountants are really pretty decent people. They are usually a lot funnier than we give them credit for. They are also very nice and have a knack for vegetable gardens.
Accountants are, of course, very cheap. They track every single dime. They know exactly how much is in all of their accounts (and they have TONS of accounts-like little squirrels burying their money for the long winter ahead).
They also have a great deal of self restraint. You will never catch an accountant swearing at the girl behind the McDonalds counter, or telling a cop to ‘f-off’ (not even under their breath), or sneaking a peek at the end of a Mystery novel.
They are modest in dress and think they are HILARIOUS if they wear a ‘Daffy Duck Christmas’ tie for the office holiday dinner. Yeah, anyone who wears those stupid novelty ties is probably an accountant. Female accountants always wear fashion from at least 15 years ago…they think nobody will notice but we all do.
That’s about all I have to say about them..they really are pretty bland…but get a few ‘Fuzzy Navels’ in them and they end up being pretty funny characters..try it….
Firefighters
Ok..who doesn’t love a firefighter? Who? They are brave and strong (anyone who can carry me is a-ok in my book)
They also walk into danger as cowards are running over grandma to run out. They are better equipped at handling a medical emergency than most doctors/nurses/shamans.
They usually have outstanding bodies and great laughs. Many of them are really nice –especially to kids. I really love firefighters.
Their only bad points are as follows:
If you are married to one-look out. You will (at best) never rank higher than their fellow firefighters. So be prepared to play second fiddle..
Some of them have the tendency to cheat-especially the ones that are in the calendars.
Many of them sport moustaches when clearly they would look better without one. And the ones they do grow are so 1970s porn star. They also part their hair wrong-either way off to one side or dead centre.
Their feet are smelly. They make really stinky poops.
That’s about it-all else is divine.
Business Analyst/Systems Analyst
If you have the word ‘anal’ in your job title you can be assured of two things:
1. You are very picky.
2. You smell.
I find these computer geeks to be quite intriguing. They are undeniably geeky but many of them have a creative/quirky side to them. They are either really good at art or reciting poetry or perhaps writing nasty limericks.
I have had a weird secret crush on many BAs…and some of them even smelled…but there is something about them..the way they ask a whole bunch of nonsensical questions….and then scribble it down (face really close to their book as they write)….the way they keep hounding you….the way they never seem to get anything done….yet they are constantly hovering around…
They are peculiar creatures that are great when you get a few beers in them. They are also very good at darts.
Many of them have sweat stains under their arms.
Ok..I’ve exhausted my insults to the career world. If anyone feels I should add in a profession then let me know! I will be more than happy to insult you and your profession!
Ok..accountants are really pretty decent people. They are usually a lot funnier than we give them credit for. They are also very nice and have a knack for vegetable gardens.
Accountants are, of course, very cheap. They track every single dime. They know exactly how much is in all of their accounts (and they have TONS of accounts-like little squirrels burying their money for the long winter ahead).
They also have a great deal of self restraint. You will never catch an accountant swearing at the girl behind the McDonalds counter, or telling a cop to ‘f-off’ (not even under their breath), or sneaking a peek at the end of a Mystery novel.
They are modest in dress and think they are HILARIOUS if they wear a ‘Daffy Duck Christmas’ tie for the office holiday dinner. Yeah, anyone who wears those stupid novelty ties is probably an accountant. Female accountants always wear fashion from at least 15 years ago…they think nobody will notice but we all do.
That’s about all I have to say about them..they really are pretty bland…but get a few ‘Fuzzy Navels’ in them and they end up being pretty funny characters..try it….
Firefighters
Ok..who doesn’t love a firefighter? Who? They are brave and strong (anyone who can carry me is a-ok in my book)
They also walk into danger as cowards are running over grandma to run out. They are better equipped at handling a medical emergency than most doctors/nurses/shamans.
They usually have outstanding bodies and great laughs. Many of them are really nice –especially to kids. I really love firefighters.
Their only bad points are as follows:
If you are married to one-look out. You will (at best) never rank higher than their fellow firefighters. So be prepared to play second fiddle..
Some of them have the tendency to cheat-especially the ones that are in the calendars.
Many of them sport moustaches when clearly they would look better without one. And the ones they do grow are so 1970s porn star. They also part their hair wrong-either way off to one side or dead centre.
Their feet are smelly. They make really stinky poops.
That’s about it-all else is divine.
Business Analyst/Systems Analyst
If you have the word ‘anal’ in your job title you can be assured of two things:
1. You are very picky.
2. You smell.
I find these computer geeks to be quite intriguing. They are undeniably geeky but many of them have a creative/quirky side to them. They are either really good at art or reciting poetry or perhaps writing nasty limericks.
I have had a weird secret crush on many BAs…and some of them even smelled…but there is something about them..the way they ask a whole bunch of nonsensical questions….and then scribble it down (face really close to their book as they write)….the way they keep hounding you….the way they never seem to get anything done….yet they are constantly hovering around…
They are peculiar creatures that are great when you get a few beers in them. They are also very good at darts.
Many of them have sweat stains under their arms.
Ok..I’ve exhausted my insults to the career world. If anyone feels I should add in a profession then let me know! I will be more than happy to insult you and your profession!
Have a nice day!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
The Most Wonderful Job in the World
Allow me to preface this post with a quick comment. A few of my IRL friends have suggested some professions for me to comment on. So I will be discussing professions for today and tomorrow. After that it will be back to 'fa la la tra la la' and I will stop being so 'mean' as people have told me....hrmphh....I shall make a wonderful old lady 'Get off my lawn you pesky kids' ahhh can't wait! Ok..back to the post!
Ok…a librarian has the best job in the world. Being surrounded by books all day..quiet warm library…the only sounds you hear is a stray cough or the ‘bleep’ sound the check out machine makes. Wandering down the slightly dusty library aisles….making a pit stop in the periodicals….putting away the 3 toys down in the ‘Kidz Zone’….sigh…Such a tranquil calm existence. Such a darling way to live….but are they happy?? Ahhhh…no!!!
Librarians are the crabbiest people you will ever meet (worse than nurses). For some reason they have all decided to be frighteningly angry employees.
And why? Why? What’s so hard about their job?
They sit behind a desk and give people dirty looks.
They collect 55 cents in overdue fees.
What is so hard? The Dewey Decimal System? I learned that in grade 5-piece of cake!
Never mind the ‘sexy’ librarian. Most of them have huge asses and will NOT doll themselves up in some naughty lingerie. They are more likely to go home, feed their 3 cats, open up a can of peaches in heavy syrup for dinner and watch ‘Ally MacBeal’ reruns….forget your fantasies buddy..
When you try to check out your books and you owe money from a book you borrowed in 1994 they act like you are a criminal. I think they LOVE this part of their job.
They will announce VERY loudly (even though they ‘shush’ everyone else!):
Evil Librarian: ‘You OWE $32.95. The system says you still have not returned the book ‘Chicken Stew for the Nerds' Soul’
Poor You: ‘I…err…returned that book 14 years ago…I’m positive.’
Evil Librarian: ‘The system does not indicate that. WE do not have this book. Please return the book and pay the fine or pay for the book. I CANNOT check out these books for you until you do’
I am wanted in 5 different libraries….I have even used my sister’s library card when I was denied..then I ruined her credit…..librarians hate me…and the feeling is mutual.
Their only saving graces are as follows: they are usually very smart, well read, shower daily, iron their clothes, never speed, and have nice quiet sneezes (my favourite).
Ok…a librarian has the best job in the world. Being surrounded by books all day..quiet warm library…the only sounds you hear is a stray cough or the ‘bleep’ sound the check out machine makes. Wandering down the slightly dusty library aisles….making a pit stop in the periodicals….putting away the 3 toys down in the ‘Kidz Zone’….sigh…Such a tranquil calm existence. Such a darling way to live….but are they happy?? Ahhhh…no!!!
Librarians are the crabbiest people you will ever meet (worse than nurses). For some reason they have all decided to be frighteningly angry employees.
And why? Why? What’s so hard about their job?
They sit behind a desk and give people dirty looks.
They collect 55 cents in overdue fees.
What is so hard? The Dewey Decimal System? I learned that in grade 5-piece of cake!
Never mind the ‘sexy’ librarian. Most of them have huge asses and will NOT doll themselves up in some naughty lingerie. They are more likely to go home, feed their 3 cats, open up a can of peaches in heavy syrup for dinner and watch ‘Ally MacBeal’ reruns….forget your fantasies buddy..
When you try to check out your books and you owe money from a book you borrowed in 1994 they act like you are a criminal. I think they LOVE this part of their job.
They will announce VERY loudly (even though they ‘shush’ everyone else!):
Evil Librarian: ‘You OWE $32.95. The system says you still have not returned the book ‘Chicken Stew for the Nerds' Soul’
Poor You: ‘I…err…returned that book 14 years ago…I’m positive.’
Evil Librarian: ‘The system does not indicate that. WE do not have this book. Please return the book and pay the fine or pay for the book. I CANNOT check out these books for you until you do’
I am wanted in 5 different libraries….I have even used my sister’s library card when I was denied..then I ruined her credit…..librarians hate me…and the feeling is mutual.
Their only saving graces are as follows: they are usually very smart, well read, shower daily, iron their clothes, never speed, and have nice quiet sneezes (my favourite).
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
No More Pencils
You know who really complains a lot and it irks me to no end? Teachers. They are notorious complainers!
If you hear someone bitching that the movie theatre is too cold-you can bet it’s a teacher.
Or someone loudly complaining that the line in Sears is too long -that’ll be a teacher.
Or even if the pizza they ordered does not have enough green olives on it-they will call and complain.
They LOVE to complain-they also love green olives on their pizza. And don’t think they will pay extra for more green olives-oh no…they are far too cheap for that!
Teachers are really really cheap. I have heard stories of them squabbling over a nickel-yes…a nickel….five cents….yet they all earn more than you and me.
Here in Ontario they are unionized which equals: get loads of money for doing nothing-so they can’t complain about wages (although they certainly do) and they get two months off every summer
Meanwhile, the rest of us eejits go in every single day…..
’Oh look dear..it’s June…well that’s it for me until September….put on ‘The Price is Right’.
And they get 2 weeks off for Christmas and another week off for the spring break. Yet they still complain!!
Ok-their pension. I think the Ontario Teachers’ pension owns just about everything (I think they just bought the Magna Carta) so, when they do retire (at 50) they get more money in their decrepit old age than you will make in your entire lifetime.
So what do they have to complain about? They make buckets of money, have a better pension than CEOs and really-what’s so hard about teaching the 6 times table? What’s so hard about reading ‘Charlotte’s Web’? Ok..you will probably cry at the end (the spider dies) but that’s not too bad.
Teachers also treat all parents as if they are the complainers. They have no TIME to discuss Olivia's report card and always come into meeting with a chip on their shoulder. Granted they do have to deal with a lot of parents who think their genius child deserves an A+ and why did you Mr. Teacher only give her a B- clearly something is wrong..so I will give them that..
Teachers are just bitter folks who have unrealized dreams (nobody goes into teaching-they all wanted to be writers or artists or candlestick makers) but they FAILED. They are failures in their life quest..so they became teachers…..I personally think that they’ve got the 2nd best job in the world yet they are always complaining about it!
So here’s a message to all you teachers:
‘Get a spine, quit your bitching and get to work.’
Their saving graces are as follows: hmmm..this is tough….they are good at remembering which months have 30 days…they have GREAT penmanship….they are neat in appearance, clean, and are good with animals..they also don’t gamble or read pornography….
If you hear someone bitching that the movie theatre is too cold-you can bet it’s a teacher.
Or someone loudly complaining that the line in Sears is too long -that’ll be a teacher.
Or even if the pizza they ordered does not have enough green olives on it-they will call and complain.
They LOVE to complain-they also love green olives on their pizza. And don’t think they will pay extra for more green olives-oh no…they are far too cheap for that!
Teachers are really really cheap. I have heard stories of them squabbling over a nickel-yes…a nickel….five cents….yet they all earn more than you and me.
Here in Ontario they are unionized which equals: get loads of money for doing nothing-so they can’t complain about wages (although they certainly do) and they get two months off every summer
TWO MONTHS OF NO WORK!!! TWO STINKING MONTHS OFF!
Meanwhile, the rest of us eejits go in every single day…..
’Oh look dear..it’s June…well that’s it for me until September….put on ‘The Price is Right’.
And they get 2 weeks off for Christmas and another week off for the spring break. Yet they still complain!!
Ok-their pension. I think the Ontario Teachers’ pension owns just about everything (I think they just bought the Magna Carta) so, when they do retire (at 50) they get more money in their decrepit old age than you will make in your entire lifetime.
So what do they have to complain about? They make buckets of money, have a better pension than CEOs and really-what’s so hard about teaching the 6 times table? What’s so hard about reading ‘Charlotte’s Web’? Ok..you will probably cry at the end (the spider dies) but that’s not too bad.
Teachers also treat all parents as if they are the complainers. They have no TIME to discuss Olivia's report card and always come into meeting with a chip on their shoulder. Granted they do have to deal with a lot of parents who think their genius child deserves an A+ and why did you Mr. Teacher only give her a B- clearly something is wrong..so I will give them that..
Teachers are just bitter folks who have unrealized dreams (nobody goes into teaching-they all wanted to be writers or artists or candlestick makers) but they FAILED. They are failures in their life quest..so they became teachers…..I personally think that they’ve got the 2nd best job in the world yet they are always complaining about it!
So here’s a message to all you teachers:
‘Get a spine, quit your bitching and get to work.’
Their saving graces are as follows: hmmm..this is tough….they are good at remembering which months have 30 days…they have GREAT penmanship….they are neat in appearance, clean, and are good with animals..they also don’t gamble or read pornography….
Code Bitch
This one is for my sister Tina and my friends Dee and Anita…
Here are MY opinions of our lovely nurses......
What comes to mind when you think of a nurse? It’s either the ‘naughty’ nurse from those B porn movies you watched as a pubescent little scamp or the kindly caring woman with the soft round hips who will make you feel all better. 'There, there little one' she will softly coo in your ear, 'let me just fluff your pillow...'.
You are WRONG! Nurses (94.6% of them) are a bunch of bitches (and this includes the male ones).
I know many nurses and they are exempt from my studies (I am only saying that so they don’t punch me in the nose).
Nurses are mean and rude and extremely judgmental. Heaven help you if you smoke or do anything that a nurse finds remotely bad for your health. They will let you have it-either by giving you a stern lecture or by giving you a nasty look that they seem to have perfected. How can you complain about a ‘look’? It’s easy to deny…nurses got your number-don’t even bother trying to complain.
If you are ever unfortunate enough to have a hospital stay then heed my warning:
Do not ring the call bell.
The nurses get VERY angry at anyone who rings this bell. It does not matter if your bed mate has stopped breathing, or you are in immense pain..do NOT disturb the nurses! They are busy sitting in the nursing station bitching about you and the doctors.
Oh, and god (of thunder) help you if you ask for pain meds. It does not matter if you just had open heart surgery and all you are asking for is a couple of Tylenol #3s. The nurse will treat you like a heroin addict-look at you disdainfully and tell you ‘It’s not time yet’ or ‘Are you sure you need one?’
If you manage to stagger to the nursing station (after you lay waiting for a nurse to appear after ringing the ‘bell’) and ask for assistance this is what will happen:
Bitch nurse: (first she and her cronies will ignore you…..as you stand there..bleeding…then after 7.3 minutes she will scowl at you and bark: ‘YES???”
Poor You: 'ahhh…errr..I was wondering if someone can help me? My leg seems to have fallen off’
Bitch Nurse: ‘what room are you in?”
Poor You: ‘errr…..306’
Bitch nurse: ‘I’m NOT you’re nurse’
Poor You: ‘Can I speak to my nurse?’
Bitch Nurse: ‘No..she’s on break’
With that she will walk into that secret office behind the nursing station. What is in that office? What? I imagine it filled with chocolate eclairs and weekly magazines. In there they sit discussing how incompetent doctors are (after all-they do all the work..they RUN the floor) and they also gossip about every other nurse who is not there….
So, stay out of hospitals. But nurses are nasty everywhere-not just in hospitals. I have asked nurses that I know for a diagnosis for an imagined medical condition I was suffering from (I'm a notorious hypochondriac). When I cornered them in a room and gave them my symptoms they all tell me the same thing:
‘It could be a number of things..go see your doctor’.
What good is personally knowing a nurse if they never give you information?? Not only do they remain tight-lipped about all they know but when they say ‘go see your doctor’ they say it as if they KNOW you have a terminal illness and they don’t want to be the ones to break it to you….cowards…mean cowards…
Nurses are also horrible joke tellers, sneak 17 items in the 'no more than 8 items' lines, and have dry hands..their only saving grace is they have nice arms and long nail beds..they're also usually slender…they do not talk loudly in a movie theatre...oh and many of them are good in math.
Here are MY opinions of our lovely nurses......
What comes to mind when you think of a nurse? It’s either the ‘naughty’ nurse from those B porn movies you watched as a pubescent little scamp or the kindly caring woman with the soft round hips who will make you feel all better. 'There, there little one' she will softly coo in your ear, 'let me just fluff your pillow...'.
You are WRONG! Nurses (94.6% of them) are a bunch of bitches (and this includes the male ones).
I know many nurses and they are exempt from my studies (I am only saying that so they don’t punch me in the nose).
Nurses are mean and rude and extremely judgmental. Heaven help you if you smoke or do anything that a nurse finds remotely bad for your health. They will let you have it-either by giving you a stern lecture or by giving you a nasty look that they seem to have perfected. How can you complain about a ‘look’? It’s easy to deny…nurses got your number-don’t even bother trying to complain.
If you are ever unfortunate enough to have a hospital stay then heed my warning:
Do not ring the call bell.
The nurses get VERY angry at anyone who rings this bell. It does not matter if your bed mate has stopped breathing, or you are in immense pain..do NOT disturb the nurses! They are busy sitting in the nursing station bitching about you and the doctors.
Oh, and god (of thunder) help you if you ask for pain meds. It does not matter if you just had open heart surgery and all you are asking for is a couple of Tylenol #3s. The nurse will treat you like a heroin addict-look at you disdainfully and tell you ‘It’s not time yet’ or ‘Are you sure you need one?’
If you manage to stagger to the nursing station (after you lay waiting for a nurse to appear after ringing the ‘bell’) and ask for assistance this is what will happen:
Bitch nurse: (first she and her cronies will ignore you…..as you stand there..bleeding…then after 7.3 minutes she will scowl at you and bark: ‘YES???”
Poor You: 'ahhh…errr..I was wondering if someone can help me? My leg seems to have fallen off’
Bitch Nurse: ‘what room are you in?”
Poor You: ‘errr…..306’
Bitch nurse: ‘I’m NOT you’re nurse’
Poor You: ‘Can I speak to my nurse?’
Bitch Nurse: ‘No..she’s on break’
With that she will walk into that secret office behind the nursing station. What is in that office? What? I imagine it filled with chocolate eclairs and weekly magazines. In there they sit discussing how incompetent doctors are (after all-they do all the work..they RUN the floor) and they also gossip about every other nurse who is not there….
So, stay out of hospitals. But nurses are nasty everywhere-not just in hospitals. I have asked nurses that I know for a diagnosis for an imagined medical condition I was suffering from (I'm a notorious hypochondriac). When I cornered them in a room and gave them my symptoms they all tell me the same thing:
‘It could be a number of things..go see your doctor’.
What good is personally knowing a nurse if they never give you information?? Not only do they remain tight-lipped about all they know but when they say ‘go see your doctor’ they say it as if they KNOW you have a terminal illness and they don’t want to be the ones to break it to you….cowards…mean cowards…
Nurses are also horrible joke tellers, sneak 17 items in the 'no more than 8 items' lines, and have dry hands..their only saving grace is they have nice arms and long nail beds..they're also usually slender…they do not talk loudly in a movie theatre...oh and many of them are good in math.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Once Upon A Time
Well we had a wonderful day out today. At the park at first I was getting the 'look' from all the perfect moms. What with my kids throwing sand and stealing toys but then the stars and heaven shone down on me. In walked two thin moms each pushing a stroller. They unloaded their kids and then each had a cigarette! Took the heat off me..my kids might be bad but at least I don't smoke! I wanted to go up to the two moms and smooch their nicotine lips....
We then went to a wading pool-only got yelled at a few times. Then nap (all three in the same bed of course)
Then out for pizza...and now dh is giving them a bath. Their favourite show is on tonight 'Just for Laughs' dunno why they like it-it's not like they get it..oh well...then off to bed. I take Ben up for bedtime..we stare out his window for a while....then grab a book and read...
Have you read your kid's fairy tales lately? Yeeouch! Every night I take Ben to bed and we read a story together. He has this ‘Gigantic Book of Fairy Tales’. Being just 3 he is not interested in long stories (prefers books with loads of candy and cookie pictures) So lately, I will park him into bed and plunk ‘The Night Before Christmas’ on his lap (yeah, I know it’s July) and then pick up his ‘Gigantic Book of Fairy Tales’ for myself. I read a tale each night.
Do you know the story of ‘The Little Matchbox Girl’? This poor girl was physically abused by her father, mother dead, poor and cold…and all she wishes for is death….I won’t ruin the ending for you…..but I cried myself to sleep that night…
And ‘Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves’ that guy is not only a thief but when his brother dies (thieving as well) he marries his widow!!! And Mr. Baba already HAD a wife!!!
And ‘The Pied Piper’ (!!!!!!!) not the kind of book a new mother wants to read….bastard…I always thought he brought the kids back but he didn’t! In some imaginary land there is a big cave with a whole bunch of kids inside.
We also have 2 versions of ‘The Three Little Pigs’ and in one of them the dumb cheap pigs with straw and stick house do NOT get devoured by the dastardly wolf..but managed somehow to ‘run away’. The pic depicts the wolf after his ‘huff ‘n puff’ and far off in the distance a cheap piggy slinking away…
Hey, and did you know that after Jack fell (from Jack & Jill) he smothered his head with vinegar and brown paper? Do you see the magical properties in vinegar?? It’s even used to repair broken crowns!
I am a tad embarrassed to admit this but it’s getting to be an obsession for me…I will hush my son when I am engrossed in one of his fairy tales…definitely not the kind of memories I wanna make but I’m hoping he will have no recollection of this time anyway…
I’m nearing the end of the book…only ‘Thumbelina’ is left…..I already read ‘Tom Thumb’ those two should get it on…seriously….what other girl will go near ‘Tom Thumb’?
We then went to a wading pool-only got yelled at a few times. Then nap (all three in the same bed of course)
Then out for pizza...and now dh is giving them a bath. Their favourite show is on tonight 'Just for Laughs' dunno why they like it-it's not like they get it..oh well...then off to bed. I take Ben up for bedtime..we stare out his window for a while....then grab a book and read...
Have you read your kid's fairy tales lately? Yeeouch! Every night I take Ben to bed and we read a story together. He has this ‘Gigantic Book of Fairy Tales’. Being just 3 he is not interested in long stories (prefers books with loads of candy and cookie pictures) So lately, I will park him into bed and plunk ‘The Night Before Christmas’ on his lap (yeah, I know it’s July) and then pick up his ‘Gigantic Book of Fairy Tales’ for myself. I read a tale each night.
Do you know the story of ‘The Little Matchbox Girl’? This poor girl was physically abused by her father, mother dead, poor and cold…and all she wishes for is death….I won’t ruin the ending for you…..but I cried myself to sleep that night…
And ‘Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves’ that guy is not only a thief but when his brother dies (thieving as well) he marries his widow!!! And Mr. Baba already HAD a wife!!!
And ‘The Pied Piper’ (!!!!!!!) not the kind of book a new mother wants to read….bastard…I always thought he brought the kids back but he didn’t! In some imaginary land there is a big cave with a whole bunch of kids inside.
We also have 2 versions of ‘The Three Little Pigs’ and in one of them the dumb cheap pigs with straw and stick house do NOT get devoured by the dastardly wolf..but managed somehow to ‘run away’. The pic depicts the wolf after his ‘huff ‘n puff’ and far off in the distance a cheap piggy slinking away…
Hey, and did you know that after Jack fell (from Jack & Jill) he smothered his head with vinegar and brown paper? Do you see the magical properties in vinegar?? It’s even used to repair broken crowns!
I am a tad embarrassed to admit this but it’s getting to be an obsession for me…I will hush my son when I am engrossed in one of his fairy tales…definitely not the kind of memories I wanna make but I’m hoping he will have no recollection of this time anyway…
I’m nearing the end of the book…only ‘Thumbelina’ is left…..I already read ‘Tom Thumb’ those two should get it on…seriously….what other girl will go near ‘Tom Thumb’?
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