Gawk

Ok..no real time..kids upstairs with dh...

How did I get so FAT?? Yikes!! Just checked myself out in the mirror with just a pair of knickers on......sob........I cannot see through my tears.....what happened?

So...had a grand time with my slutty friends...they polished off loads of wine (I was deemed the designated driver) and were discussing the most scandalous topics at dinner time (having to do with bjs) I was weeping in despair...I wanted to talk about scrapbooking and doilies....sigh...

We did play nicky nicky nine door and ate 5 FULL meals per day.....hmmm...maybe midnight salami sandwich feasts contributed to my fat ass??? hmmmm

Now we are doing 'family things' for this week-both dh and I have the week off....I've noticed that MOST (93%) married fathers have really fat bellies.....most of them are really ugly and yucky........am having to stare at the guys running the tea cup ride to see something decent....sigh....

Ok...so I do NOT have a date with a gorilla.....sigh...I just learned how to pick and eat bugs out of heads.......now what???

Oh..one more thing...it's really true..most women are really crappy drivers...like they are lost in a fog...driving so fucking SLOW and not realizing they are in the wrong lane until the last second and then veering off without any warning! If I were Queen I would not allow women drivers (except me of course-I am phenomenal...) This holds true for most women drivers but 100% of women mini van drivers-they are all really shit! All of them. I hate mini vans. I am usually a very nice driver and allow cars to bud in front of me when their lane ends or whatever...but if they are driving a mini van I don't let them in....I am prejudice.....

Good god of Thunder-I'm backkkkk

A thousand pardons I must beg from you for sneaking off for the remainder of the summer!

But I've been very busy
1. eating Chips Ahoy! cookies
2. working-blech
3. Hollering at my kids/dh
4. I have discovered 'cheese dippers' which are made by the Vache que rit (sp??) laughing cow-I love that cheese
5. I am obsessed with Neil Degrasse Tyson-who hosts the program Nova (PBS) every Wednesday night-which was a designated night to write on my blog..now I am watching Neil (my new boyfriend) instead

anyway, that's my excuse!

Nothing to say.....I am off for a fantastic long weekend with 3 girlfriends. We are going to a small town and are going to play a few games of nicky nicky nine door-well-I am going to play which will force them to play.

We also will drive from restaurant to restaurant...call down to hotel management with some sort of complaint.....read cornball magazines.....boss each other around and give unsoliciated advice (one year Tina tried to convince Rosie and me to quit our jobs and become dental hygienists..hygieneists...hygenists......hrmph....

Soooooo...what's new with you?? I see I am being set up with a gorilla......swooonnnnnn....you beast...stop....stop........

So Annoying!

Coughs
You know why they call it an 'annoying cough'? Becuase it's fucking annoying to the person listening to it. Never mind the a-hole coughing....man, I hate listening to people cough. Right now dh is coughing like a Rothmans smoker and I want to strangle him. And the worst part is he always gives ME glares when I cough my ladylike coughs.

I suppose coughing is horrible all around. It's awful being the cougher-you CANNOT hold in a cough no matter how many dirty looks you get.

Yellow/Orange Candy
Why do they bother putting in yellow or orange candies in a pack? Everybody hates them. Why not all red and purple? I'll bet yellow and orange are cheaper to produce. Even in a package of popsicles why do they bother with the yellow and orange ones? They are always last to go. The wallflowers of the box..sadly waiting for someone to choose them and then suck them..

Stinky Burps
Is there anything more annoying than someone who burps and then you SMELL it? A burp odour is enough to turn you off of the food the burper just ate. Except chocolate..I'll bet burped choco still smells divine

People Who Think They are Intellects
People who take real words and then add letters to them are quite annoying. They think they are saying/writing it correctly but they are not. Which just proves how stupid they really are. Some words that stupid people misspell (mispronounce) are:
irregardless (regardless)
anyways (anyway)
ironical (ironic)
basically (they say/spell this correctly but it still drives me nuts. Only dumb people say this word)
And the grand daddy of them all
'Whatnot' every dumb person uses this word to bridge the gap between their stupid thoughts and they think they sound like Einstein.

The Name Shirley
All Shirleys are annoying. They also play bingo but never win.

Ok..dh is reading this over my shoulder and making comments....very annoying...I am now laughing at my horrible joke....

The Sky Is Falling

Sometimes, I am sitting around minding my own business when these feelings of impending doom come crashing down.

I think, ‘one day, when I am surrounded by people, I will laugh so hard and a big piece of snot will come flying out of my nose' .It WILL happen one day. What am I gonna do? So I begin to mentally prepare for this disaster….play it in my mind. Can I blame the flying snot on someone else? Do I see where it landed? Can I retrieve it? What will I say? Make a joke? Pretend to faint? Ignore it? WHAT???

It’s very annoying being me… When everyone else is fantasizing about winning the lottery or telling their boss to fuck off, I am wringing my hands figuring out how I am going to handle barfing on the subway, or being stuck on an elevator when I really have to pee-it’s very tiresome.

Even if someone is walking behind me I fear they may (2% chance) strangle me. I fear everything including the infamous anvil plummeting towards my noggin.

How do you stop pretend things from happening? Logical answer: by doing pretend things to prevent them of course!!

So, I am very strict in following superstitions-sadly many of them I made up.

I absolutely MUST get in and out of bed on the same side. My sister Anna who is even more crazy has allowed herself to loop-which means if she gets out the other side she can then get back in the wrong side and proceed to exit on the right side.

I also MUST ALWAYS put my right shoe on first. This is not so troubling unless I am at a shoe store and they just offer me the left shoe to try. But being the master of deceit that I am I just let them know my right foot is slightly bigger so I need to try that one first.

Hmm..what else….I used to never finish reading my book if it landed on page 13 (or page 113 or 213-you get it) but since having Andrew who was born on the 13th I figure that number is now lucky for me so sod that! Oh and my sister Anna again is even more crazy. Not only can she not leave her book on page 13 but if all the numbers ADD up to 13 then she must continue to read. EG-pg 67-6+7=13. Or page 193-1+9+3=13…yeah…I know…

I am far too posh to worry about the standard-walking under a ladder or black cat crossing my path...for me they must be more intricate...have more 'guts'.

Oh, if I drop my comb I must step on it whilst chanting 'Good Luck' sometimes I add 'you dirty duck' but that is not necessary to ward off evil....

So I happily live my life inside my head and everything is just fine provided I follow my rules......wanna join me? There's a secret handshake!!! And we eat TONS of cookies...

I'm back..

So......I am going to live...at least for now.....my blood work was just fine-except my iron was very low....a 6 =whatever that means...but the doctor said she wants her patients to be a 40 so mine is very low

And probably has been for a long time..she said should be feeling extremely fatigued..see my laziness is a medical condition! Dang..wish I knew about this ages ago-would have an excuse when dh was complaining I am such a procrastinator.....now I've got to milk this for everything it's worth.

I am on mega iron pills (hello constipation) for 3 months and then go back......oh and I have an ultrasound in a couple of week but am not worried (yet)

Oh and my tryglecerides are phenomenal...I'll bet they are better than anyones....so so good...they are 0.07 or 0.08 I forget....beat that!

Oh and chloesteral (sp) is outstanding as well....4 overall..not sure what that means but she said very good.....

Had a great day-spent 24 clams at dollar store....met a friend for lunch....just a nice spendy day!

Had such an intense day....have absolutely no rambling ideas..hmmm....

oh..I know....my kids love the Wiggles....we have seen all of their movies and tons of the TV programs.

Now Greg is gone and has been replaced by Sam.....anyway, there is a new series called
'Wiggle and Learn' with Sam.....there is one skit with some guest singer singing
'Old Man Tucker' and Anthony and a hunk of girls do a dance..Anthony Wiggle is dressed as a cowboy/farmer from days gone by..and man, I've got a thing for him

Told dh this morning as we were watching it that Anthony was sexy and I love watching him....

Which is a better crush then my last kiddie show crush..Major Bedhead from 'Big comfy Couch' man, that bedhead has a nice head in his tight bike shorts......

Tick Tock

So..tomorrow morning is my physical..what is just a nuisance for others is an anxiety riddled ordeal for yours truly...sigh.....good news I did not get an early phone call from the doctors...

ok...also good news I am taking the whole day off and meeting a friend for lunch..and shopping at the Dollar Store (yes, I know) and going for a wax.....I'll be naked on a table for two different women tomorrow!!!

Ok..the Oylmpics is almost upon us..sigh..time for me to fake it...yes, I am one of the many people out there that pretends to like the Olympics. I'll have to find some obscure athlete from a country I cannot pick out on a globe and cheer for this person.

Also cheer for Canada's silver medals....and not get angry when 'Wheel of Fortune' is cancelled due to the games....

Yawn..time for a nature valley fruit and nut granola bar...

Naughty Naughty

Every time I pass a fire alarm I want to pull the switch. It's like this invisible hand tugging at me....it would be so much FUN to pull that lever down.

Of course, being the rational human that I am, I resist. But I find myself always wanting to walk on the naughty side. Not foxy lady naughty...more like 9 year old boy naughty...

When I was in my early 20s I lived and worked in a mountain resort village in Alberta. I worked in a fine dining room as a hostess and would frequently walk through the dining room whilst snazzy rich people stuffed food down their gob.

As I walked by I always had the urge to pick up an ice bucket and dump it on a patron's head..not sure why..I always played out the reactions. I would dump the ice bucket on a rich lady's head. She would stand up in horror and shriek. Her companion would rise and assist her in removing the ice bucket. Everyone would turn and look. Many people would gasp or say 'tsk' by clicking their tongues to the roof of their mouths.

Then, the axe would fall. The boss would seek me out. Now what would he say? Would he ask me why? Would he just fire me? Would he punch me in the nose?

And then to walk out of there...and I would surely have to pack my things and get out of the village...but what bus would I catch back to the city?

I play out all the scenerios and then decide I shall leave the ice bucket on the floor.

I also think about what would happen if I told my boss's boss to fuck off. Again, I play it out. This mini vignette in my mind. What expression will be on his face? How long before he reacts?

I suppose its my secret way to be a daredevil.

I remember as a child my sister Tina and I loved turning the lights out in a womens' washroom. This was usually accomplished during a wedding reception. Not only did we love turning the lights off but one of us stayed inside the washroom to witness the reaction.

The one who turned out the lights would flick the switch and make a mad dash. The one left inside would quietly sit in the bathroom stall and listen to the women shriek.

'What's going on!!' they cried!

Some were on the toilet, others reapplying their lipstick after having it removed by some randy date of theirs.

We also used to play 'nicky nicky nine door' which means knocking on people's doors and then running away...oh what fun!!!

I even broke one of my front teeth playing nicky nicky when I was 10 years old....

Now that I am older I still switch the light off in womens' washroom and play nicky nicky but my urges have gotten more risky. Thankfully, I am far too rational and/or cowardly to ever succumb to them.

I always thought these urges were one of my crosses to bear and nobody else felt them. Then one day my friend Dee told me when she is driving down a busy road she has a strong urge to pull her car into oncoming traffic...never does it...just has the urge.....ahh a kindred spirit!