Today is Canada Day! So, 'Happy Canada Day'!!
I have the day off and have loads of plans for my two boys. My legs are shaved....my hair is clean..and I've got a few bucks in my purse!
When I was a kid today was called 'Dominion Day'. I always wondered why a grocery store would have it's own special day..only Canadians will get that!
Goooo Canada....the big bumbling giant standing on top of America's shoulder...not doing much....forever the little brother...but our chocolate is better...
Will post again later if I have the chance
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Boo!
Things I am A'scared of:
Children's Laughter in a Scary Movie
Is there anything scarier? The sound of naughty kids laughing-yikes!!! Evil little sprites....knowing more than you...they're small and you think you can take them..but they float.
Killer Bees
Where are they? I spent a good chunk of my youth in the late 70s dreading their arrival..having escape plans...discussing with my friends....
Spirits Sleeping at the End of my Bed
When we were wee bairns the crossing guard lady Mrs. Mahieu told us her friend awoke in the middle of the night to find a spirit sleeping at the end of her bed. This story kept us up for years and was the key story we told to friends to prove ghosts really do exist. We would ask each other what we would do if WE saw a spirit sleeping at the end of our bed....
Never questioned WHY a spirit who is DEAD would need to sleep....should have figured something was fishy....Mrs. Mahieu had no teeth.....
The Wind
Wind is really scary....ooooooooooo...the way it moans through trees....the way it makes my hair fly into my eyes..why is it blinding me? What does it not want me to see? oh evil wind..I am on to you...
Angry Drunks
There is nothing an angry drunk won't do. They are very easy to piss off (I've pissed off tons of them) and they will fight anyone, holler at anyone and I have even seen one peeing in broad daylight in the middle of a busy street....
Marionette Dolls
You cannot tell me that these horrible creatures do not come alive at night. You just hear a light 'click click clack' as it scurries from room to room-looking for a pair of sharp scissors....these dolls are evil. They have bizarre faces and the strings! The STRINGS! Remember that 'Scooby Doo' episode with the marionettes? And the old man who controlled them? and then HE turned out to be a marionette!!!! I think that ruined marionettes for me for life.
Big Crowds
You know when you are in the centre of a big crowd you are just one crazy person away from being trampled to death? It just takes one person to start hollering and charging to get the whole herd fired up. Unless you are really tall or really wide I would avoid crowds at all costs..oh..I also hate people so I think that has something to do with my fear of crowds.
Having the Window Shade Up at Night
Unless you can guarantee that a spooky creature will NOT be hovering outside my window I will always keep my blinds down. Remember that movie 'Salem's Lot'? Remember that kid floating at the window...beckoning his brother to let him in??
I don't know about all the things out there in the night and that's the way I like it....yeah I know it's usually just a raccoon digging through our green bin or two cats getting it on but I will not look outside in fear that it will be a vampire pleading to come in
Children's Laughter in a Scary Movie
Is there anything scarier? The sound of naughty kids laughing-yikes!!! Evil little sprites....knowing more than you...they're small and you think you can take them..but they float.
Killer Bees
Where are they? I spent a good chunk of my youth in the late 70s dreading their arrival..having escape plans...discussing with my friends....
Spirits Sleeping at the End of my Bed
When we were wee bairns the crossing guard lady Mrs. Mahieu told us her friend awoke in the middle of the night to find a spirit sleeping at the end of her bed. This story kept us up for years and was the key story we told to friends to prove ghosts really do exist. We would ask each other what we would do if WE saw a spirit sleeping at the end of our bed....
Never questioned WHY a spirit who is DEAD would need to sleep....should have figured something was fishy....Mrs. Mahieu had no teeth.....
The Wind
Wind is really scary....ooooooooooo...the way it moans through trees....the way it makes my hair fly into my eyes..why is it blinding me? What does it not want me to see? oh evil wind..I am on to you...
Angry Drunks
There is nothing an angry drunk won't do. They are very easy to piss off (I've pissed off tons of them) and they will fight anyone, holler at anyone and I have even seen one peeing in broad daylight in the middle of a busy street....
Marionette Dolls
You cannot tell me that these horrible creatures do not come alive at night. You just hear a light 'click click clack' as it scurries from room to room-looking for a pair of sharp scissors....these dolls are evil. They have bizarre faces and the strings! The STRINGS! Remember that 'Scooby Doo' episode with the marionettes? And the old man who controlled them? and then HE turned out to be a marionette!!!! I think that ruined marionettes for me for life.
Big Crowds
You know when you are in the centre of a big crowd you are just one crazy person away from being trampled to death? It just takes one person to start hollering and charging to get the whole herd fired up. Unless you are really tall or really wide I would avoid crowds at all costs..oh..I also hate people so I think that has something to do with my fear of crowds.
Having the Window Shade Up at Night
Unless you can guarantee that a spooky creature will NOT be hovering outside my window I will always keep my blinds down. Remember that movie 'Salem's Lot'? Remember that kid floating at the window...beckoning his brother to let him in??
I don't know about all the things out there in the night and that's the way I like it....yeah I know it's usually just a raccoon digging through our green bin or two cats getting it on but I will not look outside in fear that it will be a vampire pleading to come in
Awww (insert floating hearts and balloons)
Here are a few things I love:
Watching A Couple Break Up In Public
Ohh this is REALLY juicy…have only witnessed it about 3 times but man, every time was great! Love when the dumpee gets angry and starts pitching fits…and then demands the ‘goodbye hug’ nasty of me I’m sure, but I LOVE watching it unfold…oh..and here's a suggestion for all you public dumpees-the dumper never changes their mind so forget the pleading….
Free Samples
Ohhh LOVE it..I always make a beeline for that old lady holding out a tray of anything….hmmmm….what’s in that one? Yum! I usually pretend to be very interested in the product..I'll ask a few questions..make believe I am about to purchase the biggest package they sell.....sometimes I'm even able to scam another sample if I ask the right questions.
The Perfect Banana
No hint of green…light brown speckling…really big….ahh bliss!
Snacking at Bulk Barn Shops
Especially if there is a sign that reads ‘NO Snacking!’
Adjusting my Scale so I am 5 lbs Lighter
I know it’s not true but I don’t tell myself that
Picking a Good Scab
My motto has been ‘I never pick a scab before it’s time'. If you pick it too early you will bleed and/or scar. You gotta wait until the scab is so crusted over that it will just peel off your skin-but gotta get it before it begins to fall off in chunks. I especially like head scabs..just love sliding that scab through my hair..then cracking it between my fingernails. I do not, however, bite/eat them-I’ve known people who do and always turn my nose up at them… plebeians..
Guys on Sports Bike
There is nothing sexier than a guy riding a sports bike (no cruisers-yuck) the way they disobey all traffic laws, the way they fly down the highway-just a blur of bright colour…a guy on a sports bike should have no trouble getting laid.
Flipping the Bird to the Cops
I do it every single time I am in the car and a cop car goes by. Of course, I do it beneath the window so they can’t see…I am a cowardly rebel..
Watching A Couple Break Up In Public
Ohh this is REALLY juicy…have only witnessed it about 3 times but man, every time was great! Love when the dumpee gets angry and starts pitching fits…and then demands the ‘goodbye hug’ nasty of me I’m sure, but I LOVE watching it unfold…oh..and here's a suggestion for all you public dumpees-the dumper never changes their mind so forget the pleading….
Free Samples
Ohhh LOVE it..I always make a beeline for that old lady holding out a tray of anything….hmmmm….what’s in that one? Yum! I usually pretend to be very interested in the product..I'll ask a few questions..make believe I am about to purchase the biggest package they sell.....sometimes I'm even able to scam another sample if I ask the right questions.
The Perfect Banana
No hint of green…light brown speckling…really big….ahh bliss!
Snacking at Bulk Barn Shops
Especially if there is a sign that reads ‘NO Snacking!’
Adjusting my Scale so I am 5 lbs Lighter
I know it’s not true but I don’t tell myself that
Picking a Good Scab
My motto has been ‘I never pick a scab before it’s time'. If you pick it too early you will bleed and/or scar. You gotta wait until the scab is so crusted over that it will just peel off your skin-but gotta get it before it begins to fall off in chunks. I especially like head scabs..just love sliding that scab through my hair..then cracking it between my fingernails. I do not, however, bite/eat them-I’ve known people who do and always turn my nose up at them… plebeians..
Guys on Sports Bike
There is nothing sexier than a guy riding a sports bike (no cruisers-yuck) the way they disobey all traffic laws, the way they fly down the highway-just a blur of bright colour…a guy on a sports bike should have no trouble getting laid.
Flipping the Bird to the Cops
I do it every single time I am in the car and a cop car goes by. Of course, I do it beneath the window so they can’t see…I am a cowardly rebel..
A-Grrrrrrrr
On such a beautiful summer June weekend it makes me think of some things I hate:
Making Your Baby Girl Look Like an Eejit
Mothers and/or fathers (doubtful but perhaps) who put a garter belt around their infant daughter’s head. What is with that thing?? Is it to prove you have a baby girl?
‘Oh look world! I have a DAUGHTER! And to prove it I shall put a floral garter belt on her head!!!’
Powered by Old Farts
Older men who drive sports cars-you look like dickwads. EVERY young woman is LAUGHING at you. Never mind you always wanted a ‘Vette and now you can afford it-sports cars are for young ins’. If you think you are gonna score some Grade A beef with that car, think again sucker. As soon as the girls see your balding head and your rickety body they will turn away and perhaps mutter ‘oh yuck-he’s an old fart’ much better to spend the money in one of those ‘massage parlors’ because the only way an old guy who is not a multi millionaire is going to get a young woman is if he pays for it.
People Yelling at Clerks.
Even if the customer is correct and the yelling is warranted whenever people see someone hollering in public they automatically think that person is a nasty bully. They will feel sorry for the yell-ee and be a little bit afraid of the yeller. It’s easy to lose control and start a’hollerin’ but just remember when you do EVERYONE around you thinks you’re an asshole.
People Who Don’t Have Their Method of Payment Ready When Purchasing
Oh man, really bugs me. 'Lalala I’m standing in line…ok..now the clerk is ringing up my goods…lalala….$48.97?? WHAT?? I have to PAY? Oh my..yes….oh dear..let me go into my purse…..dig some more..oh my….here are my keys…oh here’s that missing diaphragm I was looking for….ahh..wallet…now how much was it?’
People Who Sneeze Loudly
People who sneeze too loudly are just looking for attention. There is NO reason to sneeze loudly. Now I do not suggest you plug your nose and make the sneeze go into your brain but you do NOT have to announce to the world you are about to spew spit. Whenever someone sneezes really loudly near me I am sure to give them a really dirty look
People Who Wear Sunglasses Indoors
They are either make believing that they are:
Blind or
A movie/Rock star
I tend to think it's the latter. Do they do it so they are not recognized? Do they do it because they think they look cool? Here's a little secret for all of you morons-nobody thinks you are a star you just look like a big jerk. What is so cool about having reduced visibility indoors? WHAT?
Vanity Plates
The name says it all-if you have one you are VAIN. I tend to find people who did not get enough attention as a child have vanity plates. I don't care how clever they are-they stink!
Next post will be things I love....
Making Your Baby Girl Look Like an Eejit
Mothers and/or fathers (doubtful but perhaps) who put a garter belt around their infant daughter’s head. What is with that thing?? Is it to prove you have a baby girl?
‘Oh look world! I have a DAUGHTER! And to prove it I shall put a floral garter belt on her head!!!’
Powered by Old Farts
Older men who drive sports cars-you look like dickwads. EVERY young woman is LAUGHING at you. Never mind you always wanted a ‘Vette and now you can afford it-sports cars are for young ins’. If you think you are gonna score some Grade A beef with that car, think again sucker. As soon as the girls see your balding head and your rickety body they will turn away and perhaps mutter ‘oh yuck-he’s an old fart’ much better to spend the money in one of those ‘massage parlors’ because the only way an old guy who is not a multi millionaire is going to get a young woman is if he pays for it.
People Yelling at Clerks.
Even if the customer is correct and the yelling is warranted whenever people see someone hollering in public they automatically think that person is a nasty bully. They will feel sorry for the yell-ee and be a little bit afraid of the yeller. It’s easy to lose control and start a’hollerin’ but just remember when you do EVERYONE around you thinks you’re an asshole.
People Who Don’t Have Their Method of Payment Ready When Purchasing
Oh man, really bugs me. 'Lalala I’m standing in line…ok..now the clerk is ringing up my goods…lalala….$48.97?? WHAT?? I have to PAY? Oh my..yes….oh dear..let me go into my purse…..dig some more..oh my….here are my keys…oh here’s that missing diaphragm I was looking for….ahh..wallet…now how much was it?’
People Who Sneeze Loudly
People who sneeze too loudly are just looking for attention. There is NO reason to sneeze loudly. Now I do not suggest you plug your nose and make the sneeze go into your brain but you do NOT have to announce to the world you are about to spew spit. Whenever someone sneezes really loudly near me I am sure to give them a really dirty look
People Who Wear Sunglasses Indoors
They are either make believing that they are:
Blind or
A movie/Rock star
I tend to think it's the latter. Do they do it so they are not recognized? Do they do it because they think they look cool? Here's a little secret for all of you morons-nobody thinks you are a star you just look like a big jerk. What is so cool about having reduced visibility indoors? WHAT?
Vanity Plates
The name says it all-if you have one you are VAIN. I tend to find people who did not get enough attention as a child have vanity plates. I don't care how clever they are-they stink!
Next post will be things I love....
Friday, June 27, 2008
Wash Your Face In Gravy
Ben starts junior kindergarten this September. I had it all planned. He would attend the morning class….it would give our nanny a break and also allow Ben to still take his afternoon nap.
Well we got the notice and he was put in the afternoon class…dang…so first I called the vice principal to complain…he couldn’t give a shit about my child or his napping schedule…kinda told me to ‘fuck off and leave me alone’ (not his words).
So dh gave me the number to our councillor…the furthest I got was someone’s EA…she said she would tell the school superintendent but I have not been contacted..hrmph…oh well….I guess they are city hall..what’s a gal to do?
I know Ben will be that kid SCREAMING when we drop him off..he will be inconsolable and will not participate in circle time nor pull out his snack during ‘snack time’. He probably won’t settle in until grade 6 or so..sigh….
When I started kindergarten there was a kid named ‘Michael’ who cried the whole first class…also a girl who’s name escapes me but that night at dinner time I did a fabulous rendition of ‘I wantttttt my MMMOOMMMMYYYYYYY’ which is what she howled for the 2.5 hours we were there…had my family in stitches….unfortunately she chippered up the next day so had no ammo for that night’s meal.
Michael’s first language was not English so he never spoke. Once that bitch kindergarten teacher ‘Mrs. Miss’ FORCED the poor boy to say ‘purple’ and he spewed out the word with a shriek/cry. ..horrible when I think about it today…but as a 5 year old I just took that as material for my next performance at dinner time..that ‘purple’ scene was used for months. Sometimes I had my eldest sister playing the part of ‘Mrs. Miss’.
We thankfully moved from that kindergarten in March. My next kindergarten was much better (although that teacher did spank my bum for failing to clean up my finger painting mess)
When I graduated to grade one I felt like such a hot shot teenage girl. I remember I was so proud I got to go to school in the afternoon as well…like all the other big kids.
Once my aunt and older male cousin were over at my house mid week. I remember making a BIG show that I was GOING BACK TO SCHOOL for the afternoon. Walked around our tiny bungalow hollering
‘MA…MA…. I’m off now! Going BACK TO SCHOOL for the afternoon’
Then as I walked away from the house I remember wiggling my bum just in case my male cousin was watching me…
Well we got the notice and he was put in the afternoon class…dang…so first I called the vice principal to complain…he couldn’t give a shit about my child or his napping schedule…kinda told me to ‘fuck off and leave me alone’ (not his words).
So dh gave me the number to our councillor…the furthest I got was someone’s EA…she said she would tell the school superintendent but I have not been contacted..hrmph…oh well….I guess they are city hall..what’s a gal to do?
I know Ben will be that kid SCREAMING when we drop him off..he will be inconsolable and will not participate in circle time nor pull out his snack during ‘snack time’. He probably won’t settle in until grade 6 or so..sigh….
When I started kindergarten there was a kid named ‘Michael’ who cried the whole first class…also a girl who’s name escapes me but that night at dinner time I did a fabulous rendition of ‘I wantttttt my MMMOOMMMMYYYYYYY’ which is what she howled for the 2.5 hours we were there…had my family in stitches….unfortunately she chippered up the next day so had no ammo for that night’s meal.
Michael’s first language was not English so he never spoke. Once that bitch kindergarten teacher ‘Mrs. Miss’ FORCED the poor boy to say ‘purple’ and he spewed out the word with a shriek/cry. ..horrible when I think about it today…but as a 5 year old I just took that as material for my next performance at dinner time..that ‘purple’ scene was used for months. Sometimes I had my eldest sister playing the part of ‘Mrs. Miss’.
We thankfully moved from that kindergarten in March. My next kindergarten was much better (although that teacher did spank my bum for failing to clean up my finger painting mess)
When I graduated to grade one I felt like such a hot shot teenage girl. I remember I was so proud I got to go to school in the afternoon as well…like all the other big kids.
Once my aunt and older male cousin were over at my house mid week. I remember making a BIG show that I was GOING BACK TO SCHOOL for the afternoon. Walked around our tiny bungalow hollering
‘MA…MA…. I’m off now! Going BACK TO SCHOOL for the afternoon’
Then as I walked away from the house I remember wiggling my bum just in case my male cousin was watching me…
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Southpaw Drawl
If I weren’t so lazy (and stupid and confused) I would fight to get left handed people labeled as a visible minority. We lefties are obviously visible minorities and I challenge anyone to disagree. Here are my lukewarm points:
1. We were feared in days gone by. Not only were left handed children whipped until they learned to write with their right hand-but it was said that left handed people served 7 years with the devil after they died. So we were so evil we were not even allowed one way tickets to the Pearly Gates..we had to take a connecting flight from Hades…
2. We are segregated in classrooms-in every high school classroom I have been in there were only 2 or 3 ‘left handed’ desks available. So as a lefty, I was forced to charge the room to seek out that lefty desk..if I was one of the unlucky lefties who was too slow/stupid/busy staring at that guy’s crotch…I was forced to either sit at the back on a bench or had to struggle all semester writing on a ‘righty’ which forced me to maneuver my body and writing style so I resembled an eager monkey being trained to write.
3. It is a known fact (do not ask me to back this up-I will flip you the bird-with my left hand) that lefties die sooner. I think it has to do with all the accidents we are involved in as we are forced to live in a righty world.
4. Sayings all point to lefties being wrong or bad. As in:
‘I’ve got two left feet’
‘That’s a left handed remark’
Whereas ‘righty’ sayings are all great..as in:
‘Right On!’
‘You’re Right’
5. When a mother first learns her child is going to be left handed they make it sound like they discovered Junior frying ants with a magnifying glass.
‘I noticed Olivia picking up her Crayolas with her left hand…and she favours her left hand when she picks her nose….hmmmm….not sure but I think she may be left handed…sigh…’
6. All those ‘Strictly Southpaw’ stores are tacky and never do well (including Ned Flander’s shop) and as a lefty you feel obliged to go into these shops.
You get a feeling of ‘yeah….I belong…yeah…down with righties!’ as you pace down the dusty aisles…looking at ‘lefty mugs’ or ‘lefty toilet paper holders…..all so utterly tacky and sad…..why are we such a minority…on the losing team….
I am tired of having ink stains along the side of my left hand!
I am tired of people pointing out my difference ‘Hey, I didn’t know you were a lefty!!!’
I am tired of not being able to cut fabric.
Lefties UNITE!!!!
I have made it my mission in life to gather all the lefties to fight for my cause. Every single one of them has laughed in my face when I ask them to join me in my quest to make us a visible minority….nobody seems bothered……maybe I should start exercising or something…get a hobby…I hear scrapbooking is big……hmmmm…gotta get me a sweater with kittens on it..
1. We were feared in days gone by. Not only were left handed children whipped until they learned to write with their right hand-but it was said that left handed people served 7 years with the devil after they died. So we were so evil we were not even allowed one way tickets to the Pearly Gates..we had to take a connecting flight from Hades…
2. We are segregated in classrooms-in every high school classroom I have been in there were only 2 or 3 ‘left handed’ desks available. So as a lefty, I was forced to charge the room to seek out that lefty desk..if I was one of the unlucky lefties who was too slow/stupid/busy staring at that guy’s crotch…I was forced to either sit at the back on a bench or had to struggle all semester writing on a ‘righty’ which forced me to maneuver my body and writing style so I resembled an eager monkey being trained to write.
3. It is a known fact (do not ask me to back this up-I will flip you the bird-with my left hand) that lefties die sooner. I think it has to do with all the accidents we are involved in as we are forced to live in a righty world.
4. Sayings all point to lefties being wrong or bad. As in:
‘I’ve got two left feet’
‘That’s a left handed remark’
Whereas ‘righty’ sayings are all great..as in:
‘Right On!’
‘You’re Right’
5. When a mother first learns her child is going to be left handed they make it sound like they discovered Junior frying ants with a magnifying glass.
‘I noticed Olivia picking up her Crayolas with her left hand…and she favours her left hand when she picks her nose….hmmmm….not sure but I think she may be left handed…sigh…’
6. All those ‘Strictly Southpaw’ stores are tacky and never do well (including Ned Flander’s shop) and as a lefty you feel obliged to go into these shops.
You get a feeling of ‘yeah….I belong…yeah…down with righties!’ as you pace down the dusty aisles…looking at ‘lefty mugs’ or ‘lefty toilet paper holders…..all so utterly tacky and sad…..why are we such a minority…on the losing team….
I am tired of having ink stains along the side of my left hand!
I am tired of people pointing out my difference ‘Hey, I didn’t know you were a lefty!!!’
I am tired of not being able to cut fabric.
Lefties UNITE!!!!
I have made it my mission in life to gather all the lefties to fight for my cause. Every single one of them has laughed in my face when I ask them to join me in my quest to make us a visible minority….nobody seems bothered……maybe I should start exercising or something…get a hobby…I hear scrapbooking is big……hmmmm…gotta get me a sweater with kittens on it..
Monday, June 23, 2008
Aregostaul
I discovered something I used to just ignore before I had kids-most mothers (76%) have their heads stuck wayyyy up their children’s asses.
For the most part all moms are so wrapped up in little junior’s life they can’t see how ridiculous they are when they BRAG about their children’s MINOR accomplishments.
Like, I poo in the toilet every day but you don’t see ME bragging about it. I can also count to 1000 (even more if I wanted to) and I love broccoli.
‘Oh, my kids are GREAT!’ they tell me (zzzzzzzzzzz). What with their mini vans (barf) and moms group (all those women are elitist who sniffed me out as an imposter right away ) and their Jessica Seinfeld cookbook (my kids don’t eat my cooking..well…nobody eats my cooking).
And am I the ONLY one without GENIUS children? It seems every other child is a GENIUS or ‘advanced’. They are not only reciting Robert Frost at age 3 but they have figured out negative numbers (I still haven’t) and say big words like ‘redundant’ or ‘coincidence’….meanwhile, all my kids do is pick their noses, fight with each other and count to 10 (they miss 5 and 6 and repeat 7 and 8 twice)
Here’s another pet peeve-do not stick little junior on the phone when you are talking to me. Good god (of thunder) do you REALLY think I called you so I could have a three minute conversation with ‘Olivia’?
‘Helllloooo Olivia!!’ I exclaim all sugar sweetly. ‘Olllivvviiaaa…hiiiii…how are youuuuu??’ ‘What are you doing Oliviaaaaaaa?’
Then Olivia will respond with ‘aregostaul’…and then loads of heavy breathing.
Please don’t stick your kid on the phone…please…..it is torture for the caller. When a friend does that to me I am silently weeping on the other end. Frantically figuring out what to say to this kid with the IQ of a Golden Retriever..
I promised myself a lot of things when I had children and one of them was I would NEVER say ‘oh hang on….junior wants to talk to you’ and I am proud to report I have kept that promise! The only people I will force this upon is their father and my mother-that is it!
So rest assured if you call me I will not only NOT brag about my kids but I will also not force you to converse with them. It’s all me baby….alllll meeeeee….aregostaul….
For the most part all moms are so wrapped up in little junior’s life they can’t see how ridiculous they are when they BRAG about their children’s MINOR accomplishments.
Like, I poo in the toilet every day but you don’t see ME bragging about it. I can also count to 1000 (even more if I wanted to) and I love broccoli.
‘Oh, my kids are GREAT!’ they tell me (zzzzzzzzzzz). What with their mini vans (barf) and moms group (all those women are elitist who sniffed me out as an imposter right away ) and their Jessica Seinfeld cookbook (my kids don’t eat my cooking..well…nobody eats my cooking).
And am I the ONLY one without GENIUS children? It seems every other child is a GENIUS or ‘advanced’. They are not only reciting Robert Frost at age 3 but they have figured out negative numbers (I still haven’t) and say big words like ‘redundant’ or ‘coincidence’….meanwhile, all my kids do is pick their noses, fight with each other and count to 10 (they miss 5 and 6 and repeat 7 and 8 twice)
Here’s another pet peeve-do not stick little junior on the phone when you are talking to me. Good god (of thunder) do you REALLY think I called you so I could have a three minute conversation with ‘Olivia’?
‘Helllloooo Olivia!!’ I exclaim all sugar sweetly. ‘Olllivvviiaaa…hiiiii…how are youuuuu??’ ‘What are you doing Oliviaaaaaaa?’
Then Olivia will respond with ‘aregostaul’…and then loads of heavy breathing.
Please don’t stick your kid on the phone…please…..it is torture for the caller. When a friend does that to me I am silently weeping on the other end. Frantically figuring out what to say to this kid with the IQ of a Golden Retriever..
I promised myself a lot of things when I had children and one of them was I would NEVER say ‘oh hang on….junior wants to talk to you’ and I am proud to report I have kept that promise! The only people I will force this upon is their father and my mother-that is it!
So rest assured if you call me I will not only NOT brag about my kids but I will also not force you to converse with them. It’s all me baby….alllll meeeeee….aregostaul….
Sunday, June 22, 2008
If I Ruled the World!!!
Why is it everybody except me opens their bananas the WRONG way?? Bananas were born to be opened by the top-not bottom! If you don’t believe me just check out how the chimps eat bananas-they are the expert banana eaters.…..opening it MY (right) way just makes more sense
1. When you open it my way you have 4 evenly weighted peels dangling to the side-without that heavy stem-laden piece that keeps banging into your hand
2. My way also gives you a handy holder whilst enjoying your banana
3. My way just LOOKS better
If i ruled the world I would command each of you to open bananas the proper way..I would also banish other obvious (to me) deplorable acts..such as:
Why do people eat FRUIT with their MEAT-this is just so gross…fruit and meat do not belong together.
I am for the total segregation of fruit.
Fruit compotes are disgusting and only pompous people PRETEND to like them….it’s their way to sneak fruit in with meat. Meat is savory-fruit is sweet…they are not permitted to marry
I also do not want fruit dating chocolate. (bananas are allowed as they are not ‘wet’)
With fruit and chocolate-choco is too creamy and rich it should not have to compete with fruit’s wetness….like oil and water…..like religious talk at a cocktail party…..like farting at a cocktail party…just not done!
Bananas (here we go again with the bananas) are permitted with choco because they are ‘dry’ and bode well with choco's creaminess.
Speaking of chocolate I am against white chocolate being called ‘chocolate’. Technically it is NOT chocolate. And it tastes like sugar, snot and vanilla…..I shall banish white chocolate too.
There…I have spoken…..now to get me a scepter…
1. When you open it my way you have 4 evenly weighted peels dangling to the side-without that heavy stem-laden piece that keeps banging into your hand
2. My way also gives you a handy holder whilst enjoying your banana
3. My way just LOOKS better
If i ruled the world I would command each of you to open bananas the proper way..I would also banish other obvious (to me) deplorable acts..such as:
Why do people eat FRUIT with their MEAT-this is just so gross…fruit and meat do not belong together.
I am for the total segregation of fruit.
Fruit compotes are disgusting and only pompous people PRETEND to like them….it’s their way to sneak fruit in with meat. Meat is savory-fruit is sweet…they are not permitted to marry
I also do not want fruit dating chocolate. (bananas are allowed as they are not ‘wet’)
With fruit and chocolate-choco is too creamy and rich it should not have to compete with fruit’s wetness….like oil and water…..like religious talk at a cocktail party…..like farting at a cocktail party…just not done!
Bananas (here we go again with the bananas) are permitted with choco because they are ‘dry’ and bode well with choco's creaminess.
Speaking of chocolate I am against white chocolate being called ‘chocolate’. Technically it is NOT chocolate. And it tastes like sugar, snot and vanilla…..I shall banish white chocolate too.
There…I have spoken…..now to get me a scepter…
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Summertime..groan..
So today is the first day of summer (officially) but it’s still pretty dang cold outside. Not that I mind…I’m more of a ‘fall’ gal. At the risk of sounding extremely unpopular:
I kinda don’t really like summer.
It’s too dang hot…there are bugs flying around everywhere-all aiming to land down my shirt…too many outdoor responsibilities…and as a lazy person it is hard to hide indoors when ‘It’s so NICE outside’ hrmphh….
Ok..insects….they're all a bunch of jackasses. Especially the flying ones…gawk..like the horrible flying ants..how dare an ant fly! What kind of species just decides to sprout wings? And butterflies..sure they’re all oh so pretty with their pretty feathery wings and awkward flying pattern…but have you ever really LOOKED at a butterfly….too much ‘fly’ and not enough ‘butter’ for my liking!
And bees! BEES!!!! Forget the people who smugly tell you to ‘stand still’ that’s BS..take it from me…bees will sting ya if they are having a bad day…and a non moving target just makes it easier for them. I’ve been stung countless times and it hurts for DAYS! I am that crazy person shrieking as I try to outrun the bees.
Why is it in the movies the young lovers are always lying on the soft green grass…with nary an ant crawling over their legs…nor gnats buzzing around their mouths…or even worse…a spider dangling down to say ‘good day’ (except in ‘Little Miss Muffet’)
My two boys LOVE the summer. They love to use our outdoor hose and water the air…they love playing in the local park, picking up worms (which I am proudly NOT afraid of) and tramping all over their dad’s flowers and plants. What’s not to love?
But for me..give me a cool crisp autumn day. Gorgeous merino wool sweater, cute skirt, opaque tights, crunchy apples….Halloween with the shops brimming with those mini choco bars…sigh....pass me a caramilk and wake me in September...
I kinda don’t really like summer.
It’s too dang hot…there are bugs flying around everywhere-all aiming to land down my shirt…too many outdoor responsibilities…and as a lazy person it is hard to hide indoors when ‘It’s so NICE outside’ hrmphh….
Ok..insects….they're all a bunch of jackasses. Especially the flying ones…gawk..like the horrible flying ants..how dare an ant fly! What kind of species just decides to sprout wings? And butterflies..sure they’re all oh so pretty with their pretty feathery wings and awkward flying pattern…but have you ever really LOOKED at a butterfly….too much ‘fly’ and not enough ‘butter’ for my liking!
And bees! BEES!!!! Forget the people who smugly tell you to ‘stand still’ that’s BS..take it from me…bees will sting ya if they are having a bad day…and a non moving target just makes it easier for them. I’ve been stung countless times and it hurts for DAYS! I am that crazy person shrieking as I try to outrun the bees.
Why is it in the movies the young lovers are always lying on the soft green grass…with nary an ant crawling over their legs…nor gnats buzzing around their mouths…or even worse…a spider dangling down to say ‘good day’ (except in ‘Little Miss Muffet’)
My two boys LOVE the summer. They love to use our outdoor hose and water the air…they love playing in the local park, picking up worms (which I am proudly NOT afraid of) and tramping all over their dad’s flowers and plants. What’s not to love?
But for me..give me a cool crisp autumn day. Gorgeous merino wool sweater, cute skirt, opaque tights, crunchy apples….Halloween with the shops brimming with those mini choco bars…sigh....pass me a caramilk and wake me in September...
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Bingo..Bango...Bongo...
ok..so 'Bingo Bango Bongo' just say it...now say it again....man, I just love it....makes me feel tough/hip/alley cat-ish/peyote chewing (said that to sound cool) renegade.
I love using that expression when I have finished a task or when I am convincing someone that the task at hand is simple. As in:
'Hey, it's easy, you just throw the eggs in, dump in a couple of glugs of milk, beat the shit outta it, bung it in the oven, and BINGO BANGO BONGO you've got yourself a cake!'
or when someone remarks on how well I did something I will exclaim
'BINGO BANGO BONGO it was easy!'
My dh has forbidden me from saying this in the house......so I quietly mutter it under my breath...
ok...so it's late at night (well..late for me-9pm) kids are tucked up in bed (so dang cute) and I am picking away at the remnants of the cupcakes I sent with the kids and nanny to their party.
It was their last day at the drop in centre and they were to have a potluck. How was I to know every other mother/nanny would bring cupcakes...yeesh.....well...at least mine had choco frosting AND sprinkles AND marshmallows...yum....and what they didn't eat will be safely harboured in my belly.
ok..must dash..more snacks are screaming to be slaughtered....
I love using that expression when I have finished a task or when I am convincing someone that the task at hand is simple. As in:
'Hey, it's easy, you just throw the eggs in, dump in a couple of glugs of milk, beat the shit outta it, bung it in the oven, and BINGO BANGO BONGO you've got yourself a cake!'
or when someone remarks on how well I did something I will exclaim
'BINGO BANGO BONGO it was easy!'
My dh has forbidden me from saying this in the house......so I quietly mutter it under my breath...
ok...so it's late at night (well..late for me-9pm) kids are tucked up in bed (so dang cute) and I am picking away at the remnants of the cupcakes I sent with the kids and nanny to their party.
It was their last day at the drop in centre and they were to have a potluck. How was I to know every other mother/nanny would bring cupcakes...yeesh.....well...at least mine had choco frosting AND sprinkles AND marshmallows...yum....and what they didn't eat will be safely harboured in my belly.
ok..must dash..more snacks are screaming to be slaughtered....
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