ho hum

This past weekend we took the kids downtown to peer inside The Bay’s shop window at the Eaton’s Centre. We then rode the streetcar back home. We sat in the very back.

A woman came on-about mid 30s-kind dumpy and was talking on her cell phone. She was telling the person she was talking to that she had just come from the gym. She had gone there to cancel her membership but they persuaded her to keep it. And she, the fool, agreed. So now she has 3 months free but must pay for an additional 3 months before she can meekly attempt to cancel yet again.

I was going to tell her it was such a dumb move on her part but since we are strangers I decided to keep my comments to myself (besides, I think she coulda taken me) I kept eavesdropping and wanted to stare at her too but every time I glanced over SHE was staring at ME. Hrmph..hard to stare when the staree becomes the starer....so furtive glances were all I managed. She was wearing tight jeans and had a nice squishy belly. Had bright red lipstick and a nice ‘do. She had a great voice and I wanted to tell her she should be on radio but didn’t want to interrupt her phone conversation.

After a few attempts to stare at her she moved away towards the front of the streetcar. My kids were pretty noisy....

You know who is really cool? Those guys that guide your car into the grooves at a car wash or a lube place. You know how they stand there and move their hands-waving to the left...then right...then coaxing you forward..then hand out to tell you to STOP! They are cool and kinda sexy.

This morning dh pointed out that I am now sporting a fat dimple on the top of my butt. Yes that right, a lump of fat, a valley, the dimple and then another lump of fat. I have named it my ‘Christmas dimple’ ho ho ho

Rodent Rambling

Ok..this is really bad but I am reposting a short post I posted on another thread (I am writing 'post' too often) so apologies to all (especially if any chickies from the other thread are reading this-sorry 'Neet!) But I need to keep this blog alive and am too beat to think of something to say..will try to slack from work next week and come up with some brilliant thought provoking posts....or at least a few with a sprinkling of swear words..which everyone knows is really cool and it means I have a lot of friends and I am not scared of anyone (which is a big fat lie..I am scared of almost everything...real coward...) ok..here it is! Oh it's old..like a couple of months.get off my back I am eating a big box of Godiva chocolates and watching Cops...

So last night after kids were tucked up in bed dh and I were being lazy on the couch and watching our favourite Cdn show 'The Dragon's Den' when we heard 'scratch scratch scratch' from the kitchen.

We crept in like guerilla warriors and when dh gave me the signal I flung on the lights And there...hanging INSIDE the heat vent with his pink nose sticking out was a MOUSE..little b@stard..dh said ‘well.....hello...’

It scurried off down our duct. We placed a trap inside the heating vent-put the cover back on and scampered off with gleeful thoughts of decapitated mice dancing in our minds...

Not 5 minutes later we hear the sound every homeowner in the fall wants to hear ‘SNAP’. We scamper back in..dh lifts off the cover of the vent and to our dismay we find nothing there!! No trophy dead mouse....no trap!!!

By this point I am a blithering idiot babbling about a fire starting if that trap happens to plunge into our fiery furnace..dh is in the basement trying to figure out how to open up the duct work to reach inside to see if he can get the trap.

All is lost and I head to bed (well..to read my Toronto Life mag...but then to bed)

So the next morning dh calls his dad to come with tools...I call my friend’s dh who is a HVAC guy. He says that there is minimal risk to fire and the AC coil will prevent it from falling.

So dh dad comes over..insists on trying to retrieve the errant trap and has this horrible contraption that looks similar to a piece of medical equipment used in women who were in a ‘frenzied state’ from a 1880s medical textbook I have....

Anyway, he manages to fish out the trap and lo and behold there is a dead rodent grinning at us with a dab of peanut butter on his nose.

Victory is ours!!!!!!!

Sadly, after the SNAP dh actually saw another mouse dart behind a piece of furniture in our living room....so the war continues....

Berry Conclusion

The blackberry lady came to my house twice yesterday. Once to harass my nanny; the other time to retrieve her priceless status symbol.

So, I get home and my nanny tells me ‘oh..that lady who lost her blackberry came over’ and I said ‘WHA??? I told her hub I wouldn’t be home until 6pm?”

So, nanny says that the lady didn’t even knock (I’ll bet she rang our broken doorbell) but nanny saw her at the door and opened it. The lady said ‘where’s my Blackberry?’ no, ‘hello’ no ‘thank you oh kind lady for finding my Blackberry and being honest enough to return it’ oh no..just ‘where’s my Blackberry?’. She then asked ‘you called? You have it?’ once she saw the confused look on my nanny’s face. (my nanny frequently has the confused look-she uses it as a defense mechanism- I’m sure of it)

Anyhooo..nanny tells the bitch in black that her precious Blackberry is safely in her ‘employers’ (that’s me) hands and I won’t be home until 6pm so buzz off (I made up that last bit).

So I get home..at 6:15 lady knocks..she is nice as pie to me...Andrew pops over with his crazy hair that sticks up at all angles and she oohs and goos over him. Then Ben pops over half naked (no pants) and she thanks him but does not loosen her purse strings to offer him a reward..cheap rich lady...hrmph....

We gab a bit as mothers do. Her son is in senior kindergarten and daughter in grade 2. We talk about the French program at the school. I ask her if it was difficult teaching her daughter to read in English. She exclaims ‘oh no..she taught herself’

Ahhh....another genius child. Lovely. So after bragging a bit more she went on her merry way. Skipping down my steps and being enveloped by the November night. I totally forgot to check out what kind of car she drove. Bet it was an Acura....

I went back inside and finished the Candyland game with the kids. Got it at a rummage sale for a buck. It didn’t have instruction. Not sure if ANY Candyland game comes with instructions.....or is it so easy that anyone can figure it out. There are these cards with lollipops and nuts and ice cream cones on them. Not sure what they are for so I made that bit up. Moot point anyway because Ben has stolen those cards and has hidden them in 2 of his hiding spots for treasures (under the cushion in the big chair in our living room and inside the fridge (?) )

Today is the American Thanskgiving and I shall eat a Stouffers Frozen Turkey dinner to show solidarity with my Yank friends!

Me so Sorry!

So I have no excuse as to why I am no longer posting..sheer laziness I suppose. But I have decided to give it one more go and try this newfangled blog business. So to begin again I shall repost a post I just wrote for another board I am a member on-see laziness comment above. Anyway, I make a solemn promise to post more......do you promise to read more? There...all better now....I'll be waiting for the flowers and candy in the post!

Lost 'N almost Found
So Ben (my 4 yr old) is constantly finding things on the sidewalk/ground/park..usually its nickels and pennies and half broken charms off of little girls’ necklaces-which he promptly orders me to put on a piece of string so he may prance about with a half broken pink heart-shaped charm much to my dh’s chagrin.

So last night when I got home from work my nanny said 'oh Ben found something today '. He ran over and showed me a Blackberry! I couldn’t figure out how to turn it on and assumed the battery was dead. Ben told me he found it on the sidewalk beside the library.

So I called my boss (who is a crackberry addict) and asked him how to turn the thing on...and we figured out the battery was dead so he told me to bring it to work and he’d charge it and try to figure out who it belonged to.

The next morning at 6:30 am kids and I are sitting around (YES..we wake up this early...feel sorry for me?) and we hear-bring ring ring..and I said 'what was that?' and Ben (ever the millennium child) responds, 'that's the Blackberry' hee

I grabbed it. The display was all lit up. So first I tried pushing a whack of buttons to make heads or tails out of this technical enigma....then I handed it to Ben to do the same..next was Andrew’s (almost 3 yr old son) turn..who managed to find her address book-but just names-no phone numbers....we got no further so I shoved it into my purse for my boss’s examination....

At work, my boss (of course) managed to tell me the owners name ‘Erica X’ and rhymed off a list of people in her phone book. The first woman I called ‘Suzanne’ denied Erica’s existence-should I tell Erica that Suzanne is no friend of hers?

At last boss man found her hubby-a lawyer-gave me his home/cell/work number. I called and at first he was not giving me any information about Erica but when he discovered that I had her Blackberry then it was all champagne and roses....he ended up being very nice and lives on a swanky street. He asked if I was comfortable giving out my addy to have wife come retrieve it-I told him I am FINE with that-if anyone should worry it should be them! So I gave my name and cell number and hope she comes tonight to get it..i am secretly hoping she give Ben a fin for his troubles-would be nice....and I’ll let him take it too...but won’t mention it lest he hold the Blackberry ransom until he gets the funds....we shall see...may be an exciting evening for us!!!


And the excitement did not end there last night. Ben brought home ‘Pirate Dog’ from his kindergarten class. Each child gets ‘Pirate’ for one evening/night. So far only Aaron has had him. (I guess they are going alphabetically) Aaron wrote his own name at the top of the first page and then his mum wrote all sorts of things about Pirate Dog’ and she has REALLY nice handwriting. She also drew a pic of Pirate on the opposite page and it appears that Aaron coloured it in-or else she is an awful ‘colour-er’ as the colouring is not inside the lines....

Anyhoo....I had to of course follow suit. So I wrote all sorts of neat things that Pirate has done at our house (all utter bullshit). I forced Ben to write his name and then I tried in my own lefty sloppy way to print neatly....also drew him in and Ben tried to colour it...then Ben asked me to draw an axe above the pic pf Pirate but I didn’t want the teacher to think Ben is a psycho and wants Pirate to be hacked into pieces so I made a very obscure axe-Ben said it looked like a flag.

This morning Ben said ‘hey..I forgot to sleep with Pirate last night’ I told him that I put Pirate on his bookshelf and he stayed there all night. I had already written that Pirate did this in the notebook-meanwhile he had actually spent the night crammed back into the tiny knapsack that he came home in....have I mentioned I hate dogs?

That Crazy Guy!!!

When I was in my early 20s and in college I would get a full time job every summer. Usually it was a mindless receptionist position. I would tell the boss that I was not going back to school (I was) and then I would quit in September (yeah, I know…).

Anyway, in every office there was always a ‘crazy guy’. Oh how we all laughed!! Good old wacky Donald - he’s a hoot!!!

I would be sitting there minding my own business doing my ‘receptionist boogie’ (talking on the phone with a friend) when Donald would waltz by, fiddled with the paper clips on my desk and then begin his hilarious monlogue.

He would catch my eye....throw out a tired riddle...I would give a half smile and a ‘hah’ and hope he would wander away. But he didn’t...he would stand there and start cutting up all the other sales reps (the crazy guy is usually a sales rep). He would say things like
‘that Sam is so cheap he’d eat his old shoes for the leather hahahahahhaha’ or
‘’hey..did you get a load of Walter’s pants? Yeeouch.I think I’ve gone blind..talk about colour....hahahahhaha’.

Then another employee would walk by, flash a smile and exclaim ‘ohh Donald! He is SO crazy hahahahahahaha’

Yeah, crazy Donald! I find that anyone who labels themselves as ‘crazy’ or ‘weird’ are really boring bland vanilla. They are the ‘wanna be nuts’ hoping that having quirks or being off the wall will merit them some character.

It’s usually the stupid ugly people who do this-smart people have their brains, beautiful people have their looks-but if you don’t have either ya gotta be ‘crazy’ wheeeeee

All the ‘crazies’ at work were far from crazy. They were so lame and obvious it made me almost embarrassed for them (if I wasn’t too busy despising them).

There was one in every single office I worked in. If you work in an office-look around.-who is the ‘crazy’ one'? .I’ll bet that that guy (or girl) Is just a big mouth bore. I’ll bet they also leave pee on the toilet seat.

After college I took an evening shift position at a production/pre press shop. I was one of about 20 people. Nobody talked to me. Not even the guy who was ordered to train me.

Every person that worked there was weird/crazy. But it was so refreshing because they all thought they were normal and sane (meanwhile, I was the only sane one).

I remember on my first evening I was behind a bank cutting copy and when I emerged the place was dead. All but one employee remained. When I asked him where everyone had gone he shrugged and said ‘they went home I guess’. Neither my boss nor my ‘trainer’ came to get me. Nobody told me I could go home. And they didn’t even tell me when to start the next day-they were all NUTS.

That remaining guy called in sick a few monts later..his excuse....He bumped his head on the ceiling while making his bed and passed out. Yeah...crazy...

They were quirky and odd and total misfits. I was home! I'm still there today.

Thursday Evening Musings

I would never get a nose ring...don’t you find that everyone with a nose ring will twiddle it or play with it and they always look like they are picking their nose? Who wants to look like a big nose picker??

Why has dandruff all of a sudden being called ‘dry scalp’ hasn’t it always been that? Is it somehow classier/cleaner to have a ‘dry scalp’ rather than ‘dandruff’.

People with soft calm slow speaking voices truly put me to sleep...and not in a bad way. I’ve never known how to tell these people they should do voiceovers for relaxation CDs-they’d make a killing. But they would get all offended and think I was telling them they were boring.....mmm..I’m getting all fuzzy just thinking of one of them...spoke to her today...sales rep...she’s like a candy box blonde...all blonde and pink and chubby...but her voice...ahhh...knocks my bp down 10 points... I purposely keep her on the phone and just zone out..ask her loads of questions.....zzzzzzzz

Why do most humans adorn themselves with metal and think they look like a dog’s dinner? What is it with jewelry and why are people nuts about wearing it? It’s uncomfortable and do people honestly think I think ’oh...look at that gold bangle..she is rich and classy and better than me....’

Doesn’t everyone feel a little like a hot shot when they use their work security tags to bleep themselves into a building/office...that’s right...I belong...

Why are men forced to urinate in front of one another? You know if this were the case for women there would be a massive uproar
'how dare you treat women like cattle!'
'how dare you not respect a woman's need for privacy'

But men just whip it out and start their engines..why?

Here! Here!

Ok..gonna make a concentrated effort to begin slagging everyone on my blog and keeping it relatively updated.

So....do you know which group of people do not get the recognition they deserve?

JUGGLERS

Juggling is amazing and VERY difficult but people are not as impressed as they should be. The hand eye co-ordination that is needed to juggle is something most morons can't achieve.

I wish I could juggle..I would thrill and entertain all my friends. I would be constantly picking up 3 objects (5 when I got to be really good) and casually start juggling them.......

'oh...this.....oh yes I can juggle..thanks for noticing...'

I would be the STAR at all parties...sigh....

People would introduce me as a juggler

'Here's Angela....she can juggle...'

ahh to be a juggler.....

ok..and here is a stupid thing people DO get a kick out of:
Dressing up monkeys/chimps in clothes and making them do 'human things'

This is NOT funny or amusing at all. It is so low brow (forgive the pun) and I do not find these chimps cute at all. They are ugly and possibly stinky. Plus they do not want to be smoking that cigar while playing a hand of poker...They would rather shove the poker chips up their noses and perhaps poo on the table.....

If someone has one of those novelty monkey calendars I know I can not be their friend....

hmmm...I can't be friends with:
1. People with monkey calendars-ok..already told you that one

2. People who say 'basically' too much

3. People who laugh EVERY time they complete a sentence

4. Racist people (I think I am a visible minority and nobody can convince me otherwise)

5. Men with a long nail on their baby finger-what is up with that? why? Do they think any woman wants to have sex with them with that horrible long (usually slightly dirty) fingernail

6. People who are not the slightest bit superstitious-no fun

7. People who SAY they are spontaneous-yeah.....sure you are....

8. People who never have cookies in their home

9. People who swear and then say 'excuse my French'

10. People who fart and then think if they say excuse me you will think it was a ok for them to fart

ok..now I am all riled up and looking for a fight! Oops...being beckoned back to my cage more later I promise

Gawk

Ok..no real time..kids upstairs with dh...

How did I get so FAT?? Yikes!! Just checked myself out in the mirror with just a pair of knickers on......sob........I cannot see through my tears.....what happened?

So...had a grand time with my slutty friends...they polished off loads of wine (I was deemed the designated driver) and were discussing the most scandalous topics at dinner time (having to do with bjs) I was weeping in despair...I wanted to talk about scrapbooking and doilies....sigh...

We did play nicky nicky nine door and ate 5 FULL meals per day.....hmmm...maybe midnight salami sandwich feasts contributed to my fat ass??? hmmmm

Now we are doing 'family things' for this week-both dh and I have the week off....I've noticed that MOST (93%) married fathers have really fat bellies.....most of them are really ugly and yucky........am having to stare at the guys running the tea cup ride to see something decent....sigh....

Ok...so I do NOT have a date with a gorilla.....sigh...I just learned how to pick and eat bugs out of heads.......now what???

Oh..one more thing...it's really true..most women are really crappy drivers...like they are lost in a fog...driving so fucking SLOW and not realizing they are in the wrong lane until the last second and then veering off without any warning! If I were Queen I would not allow women drivers (except me of course-I am phenomenal...) This holds true for most women drivers but 100% of women mini van drivers-they are all really shit! All of them. I hate mini vans. I am usually a very nice driver and allow cars to bud in front of me when their lane ends or whatever...but if they are driving a mini van I don't let them in....I am prejudice.....

Good god of Thunder-I'm backkkkk

A thousand pardons I must beg from you for sneaking off for the remainder of the summer!

But I've been very busy
1. eating Chips Ahoy! cookies
2. working-blech
3. Hollering at my kids/dh
4. I have discovered 'cheese dippers' which are made by the Vache que rit (sp??) laughing cow-I love that cheese
5. I am obsessed with Neil Degrasse Tyson-who hosts the program Nova (PBS) every Wednesday night-which was a designated night to write on my blog..now I am watching Neil (my new boyfriend) instead

anyway, that's my excuse!

Nothing to say.....I am off for a fantastic long weekend with 3 girlfriends. We are going to a small town and are going to play a few games of nicky nicky nine door-well-I am going to play which will force them to play.

We also will drive from restaurant to restaurant...call down to hotel management with some sort of complaint.....read cornball magazines.....boss each other around and give unsoliciated advice (one year Tina tried to convince Rosie and me to quit our jobs and become dental hygienists..hygieneists...hygenists......hrmph....

Soooooo...what's new with you?? I see I am being set up with a gorilla......swooonnnnnn....you beast...stop....stop........

So Annoying!

Coughs
You know why they call it an 'annoying cough'? Becuase it's fucking annoying to the person listening to it. Never mind the a-hole coughing....man, I hate listening to people cough. Right now dh is coughing like a Rothmans smoker and I want to strangle him. And the worst part is he always gives ME glares when I cough my ladylike coughs.

I suppose coughing is horrible all around. It's awful being the cougher-you CANNOT hold in a cough no matter how many dirty looks you get.

Yellow/Orange Candy
Why do they bother putting in yellow or orange candies in a pack? Everybody hates them. Why not all red and purple? I'll bet yellow and orange are cheaper to produce. Even in a package of popsicles why do they bother with the yellow and orange ones? They are always last to go. The wallflowers of the box..sadly waiting for someone to choose them and then suck them..

Stinky Burps
Is there anything more annoying than someone who burps and then you SMELL it? A burp odour is enough to turn you off of the food the burper just ate. Except chocolate..I'll bet burped choco still smells divine

People Who Think They are Intellects
People who take real words and then add letters to them are quite annoying. They think they are saying/writing it correctly but they are not. Which just proves how stupid they really are. Some words that stupid people misspell (mispronounce) are:
irregardless (regardless)
anyways (anyway)
ironical (ironic)
basically (they say/spell this correctly but it still drives me nuts. Only dumb people say this word)
And the grand daddy of them all
'Whatnot' every dumb person uses this word to bridge the gap between their stupid thoughts and they think they sound like Einstein.

The Name Shirley
All Shirleys are annoying. They also play bingo but never win.

Ok..dh is reading this over my shoulder and making comments....very annoying...I am now laughing at my horrible joke....

The Sky Is Falling

Sometimes, I am sitting around minding my own business when these feelings of impending doom come crashing down.

I think, ‘one day, when I am surrounded by people, I will laugh so hard and a big piece of snot will come flying out of my nose' .It WILL happen one day. What am I gonna do? So I begin to mentally prepare for this disaster….play it in my mind. Can I blame the flying snot on someone else? Do I see where it landed? Can I retrieve it? What will I say? Make a joke? Pretend to faint? Ignore it? WHAT???

It’s very annoying being me… When everyone else is fantasizing about winning the lottery or telling their boss to fuck off, I am wringing my hands figuring out how I am going to handle barfing on the subway, or being stuck on an elevator when I really have to pee-it’s very tiresome.

Even if someone is walking behind me I fear they may (2% chance) strangle me. I fear everything including the infamous anvil plummeting towards my noggin.

How do you stop pretend things from happening? Logical answer: by doing pretend things to prevent them of course!!

So, I am very strict in following superstitions-sadly many of them I made up.

I absolutely MUST get in and out of bed on the same side. My sister Anna who is even more crazy has allowed herself to loop-which means if she gets out the other side she can then get back in the wrong side and proceed to exit on the right side.

I also MUST ALWAYS put my right shoe on first. This is not so troubling unless I am at a shoe store and they just offer me the left shoe to try. But being the master of deceit that I am I just let them know my right foot is slightly bigger so I need to try that one first.

Hmm..what else….I used to never finish reading my book if it landed on page 13 (or page 113 or 213-you get it) but since having Andrew who was born on the 13th I figure that number is now lucky for me so sod that! Oh and my sister Anna again is even more crazy. Not only can she not leave her book on page 13 but if all the numbers ADD up to 13 then she must continue to read. EG-pg 67-6+7=13. Or page 193-1+9+3=13…yeah…I know…

I am far too posh to worry about the standard-walking under a ladder or black cat crossing my path...for me they must be more intricate...have more 'guts'.

Oh, if I drop my comb I must step on it whilst chanting 'Good Luck' sometimes I add 'you dirty duck' but that is not necessary to ward off evil....

So I happily live my life inside my head and everything is just fine provided I follow my rules......wanna join me? There's a secret handshake!!! And we eat TONS of cookies...

I'm back..

So......I am going to live...at least for now.....my blood work was just fine-except my iron was very low....a 6 =whatever that means...but the doctor said she wants her patients to be a 40 so mine is very low

And probably has been for a long time..she said should be feeling extremely fatigued..see my laziness is a medical condition! Dang..wish I knew about this ages ago-would have an excuse when dh was complaining I am such a procrastinator.....now I've got to milk this for everything it's worth.

I am on mega iron pills (hello constipation) for 3 months and then go back......oh and I have an ultrasound in a couple of week but am not worried (yet)

Oh and my tryglecerides are phenomenal...I'll bet they are better than anyones....so so good...they are 0.07 or 0.08 I forget....beat that!

Oh and chloesteral (sp) is outstanding as well....4 overall..not sure what that means but she said very good.....

Had a great day-spent 24 clams at dollar store....met a friend for lunch....just a nice spendy day!

Had such an intense day....have absolutely no rambling ideas..hmmm....

oh..I know....my kids love the Wiggles....we have seen all of their movies and tons of the TV programs.

Now Greg is gone and has been replaced by Sam.....anyway, there is a new series called
'Wiggle and Learn' with Sam.....there is one skit with some guest singer singing
'Old Man Tucker' and Anthony and a hunk of girls do a dance..Anthony Wiggle is dressed as a cowboy/farmer from days gone by..and man, I've got a thing for him

Told dh this morning as we were watching it that Anthony was sexy and I love watching him....

Which is a better crush then my last kiddie show crush..Major Bedhead from 'Big comfy Couch' man, that bedhead has a nice head in his tight bike shorts......

Tick Tock

So..tomorrow morning is my physical..what is just a nuisance for others is an anxiety riddled ordeal for yours truly...sigh.....good news I did not get an early phone call from the doctors...

ok...also good news I am taking the whole day off and meeting a friend for lunch..and shopping at the Dollar Store (yes, I know) and going for a wax.....I'll be naked on a table for two different women tomorrow!!!

Ok..the Oylmpics is almost upon us..sigh..time for me to fake it...yes, I am one of the many people out there that pretends to like the Olympics. I'll have to find some obscure athlete from a country I cannot pick out on a globe and cheer for this person.

Also cheer for Canada's silver medals....and not get angry when 'Wheel of Fortune' is cancelled due to the games....

Yawn..time for a nature valley fruit and nut granola bar...

Naughty Naughty

Every time I pass a fire alarm I want to pull the switch. It's like this invisible hand tugging at me....it would be so much FUN to pull that lever down.

Of course, being the rational human that I am, I resist. But I find myself always wanting to walk on the naughty side. Not foxy lady naughty...more like 9 year old boy naughty...

When I was in my early 20s I lived and worked in a mountain resort village in Alberta. I worked in a fine dining room as a hostess and would frequently walk through the dining room whilst snazzy rich people stuffed food down their gob.

As I walked by I always had the urge to pick up an ice bucket and dump it on a patron's head..not sure why..I always played out the reactions. I would dump the ice bucket on a rich lady's head. She would stand up in horror and shriek. Her companion would rise and assist her in removing the ice bucket. Everyone would turn and look. Many people would gasp or say 'tsk' by clicking their tongues to the roof of their mouths.

Then, the axe would fall. The boss would seek me out. Now what would he say? Would he ask me why? Would he just fire me? Would he punch me in the nose?

And then to walk out of there...and I would surely have to pack my things and get out of the village...but what bus would I catch back to the city?

I play out all the scenerios and then decide I shall leave the ice bucket on the floor.

I also think about what would happen if I told my boss's boss to fuck off. Again, I play it out. This mini vignette in my mind. What expression will be on his face? How long before he reacts?

I suppose its my secret way to be a daredevil.

I remember as a child my sister Tina and I loved turning the lights out in a womens' washroom. This was usually accomplished during a wedding reception. Not only did we love turning the lights off but one of us stayed inside the washroom to witness the reaction.

The one who turned out the lights would flick the switch and make a mad dash. The one left inside would quietly sit in the bathroom stall and listen to the women shriek.

'What's going on!!' they cried!

Some were on the toilet, others reapplying their lipstick after having it removed by some randy date of theirs.

We also used to play 'nicky nicky nine door' which means knocking on people's doors and then running away...oh what fun!!!

I even broke one of my front teeth playing nicky nicky when I was 10 years old....

Now that I am older I still switch the light off in womens' washroom and play nicky nicky but my urges have gotten more risky. Thankfully, I am far too rational and/or cowardly to ever succumb to them.

I always thought these urges were one of my crosses to bear and nobody else felt them. Then one day my friend Dee told me when she is driving down a busy road she has a strong urge to pull her car into oncoming traffic...never does it...just has the urge.....ahh a kindred spirit!

Hmmm I feel something

Have I mentioned that I am a hypochondriac? But what makes me superior to all the other hypos out there is this:

I KNOW I am foolish and nuts. All the other hypos I know really think they have something and do not think they are crazy. I tell them all to shut up and they are fine.

I have finally made an appointment for a complete physical this week. I am already anticipating the array of wretched disease I may currently have...sigh.....I did my blood work today so it should be ready for me when I see my doctor on Thursday. Now my fear is my blood will be so bad it explodes and they will call me BEFORE my appointment on Thursday..which will just prove that I have mere seconds to live!!!!

So, now I think I have something wrong with an internal organ. Not sure which one..left side under rib cage..low down...and am too afraid to google it lest I stay awake all night thinking about all the new illnesses I have...

Here are my symptoms:

When I eat a big meal and eat it kinda fast I get a 'stitch' pain kinda like a bubble on my lower left side under my low rib cage...sigh...

I've asked two nurses I know.

My sister Tina kinda implied it was stomach cancer...not her exact words but she encouraged me to get an ultrasound and told me the pain was near my stomach.

My friend Anita implied it was liver cancer. Said it is not gallstones or anything easily treatable (not her exact words) but said to get my liver enzymes checked..oh..and it may be cirrosis (sp) of the liver....sigh....see what I mean about NURSES!!

For me I am a terminal illness hypochondriac. I never dabble with second rate illnesses like diabetes, arthritis or gout...oh no..those are too treatable...I go for big ones...like:

cancers-all sorts
heart disease-the ones they can't cure
Lou Gehrigs disease
MS-but then I think MS is better than Lou Gehrigs disease and then decide I do not have MS but Lou Gehrigs...

So tick tock...I now wait in frantic anticipation......biting my nails if I bit my nails....arghhhh...

Oh and I hate going to doctors-so I am not the kind of hypo that wastes tax payers dollars and dashes to the clinic each week. I hate going because I hate my blood pressure being read.....have this thing...as soon as I hear that 'crrrrtttt' of the velcro being pulled apart my heart rate and bp soar.....

All through my pregnancies I had to think of my 'tranquil spot' whenever it was read.....they really hassle pregnant women with high blood pressure.....so thankfully mine always passed....

Better than passing a math test.....

Brown Eyed Girl

I don't remember the percentage but something like 90% of the world's population has brown eyes..well you could have fooled me. Not one brown eyed person will ADMIT to having brown eyes. I have yet to meet a brown eyed person who tells me their eyes are 'brown'.

They either have 'yellow flecks' or 'green rims' or something else unusual and exotic.

Face it you suckers-your eyes are brown. There is nothing wrong with brown eyes but I find most people really want to stand out. So having the same colour eyes as 90% of the population just will not do!

'Look at me! Look at me' all the brown eyed people jumping up and down frantically waving their arms. 'I AM special...just look closer!!!'

My favourite colour explanation from a brown eyed person is this:
'my eyes are brown but when I get angry they CHANGE to green'

Here is a news flash for all you morons-eyes do NOT change colours. It does not matter how mad/sad/glad/flad (I just made that word up) you get your eyes stay the colour they are. What you may be noticing is your pupil dilating or constricting. And since EVERY iris has a variely of colours and patterns then you may notice the green or yellow more/less when your pupils are large or small.

I read somewhere that all eyes are brown but some do not have enough melanin (sp) so they never quite made it to brown...a genetic blip.....so blue/green eyed people are technically not normal.

There, I've insulted everyone now!


oh and when did long toenails come into fashion?

Jennnnniferrrr

mmm so am having a bag of sour cream and onion chips WITH a diet coke WITH lime..heavenly!

So....hmmm...

You know when you think there is a mirror and you stand in front of it and you don't see your refelction. Then you realize it's really a doorway or a window NOT a miror.....does that ever happen to you? It just happened this evening to my dh..we were in this 2nd hand clothes shop and he was trying on this shirt. He went to this full length mirror but it turned out to be a doorway.

When this happens to me for a split second I think I've turned into a witch. Does anyone else think this? It is common knowledge (at least in all those 70s spooky movies) that witches don't photograph nor do they see their reflection in a mirror.

So everytime this happens to me I think 'oh my god (of thunder) I'm a witch!!! GAWK...oh..hang on..it's a doorway not a mirror...''

I blame all these thoughts on watching all those frightening horror movies from the 1970s....not the blood and gore bullshit that was prevelant in the 80s (I saw those two but they do not haunt me in the wee hours of the night) All those movies were so eerie and ominous and used to scare the crap out of me and my brothers and sisters.

There was one about the Bermuda Triangle and this evil warlock....and in the end he killed everyone on an island and you knew he'd kill again.....oh and another about this small town full of witches....murdered the new family on the block.....oh and another with a woman named 'Jennifer'

And when the witch called her it was so spooky 'Jennnnnnnifffer' at that point we all decided that Jennifer is the scariest name out there and all new mothers should be banned from using that name.

We also decided that if you were unlucky enough to have a name that began with the letter 'M' you were in big trouble. Why? Because 'M' is the 13th letter in the alphabet..if that doesn't spell doom then I don't know what does!

I blame all those movies on the fact that I am now a grown woman and still a big chicken. I still believe in ghosts and evil witches (not wiccans....calm down) and everything else that is spooky......

mmmm..don't you love when a chip is just coated with sour cream and onion powder.....

Along the Way

Being a grand old lady there are certain things I've noticed about certain people and certain things:

-if a person is trying to fit into a group and is kinda a jerk they will end all their sentences with a laugh...I think they think it makes them appear funny....but it's really just annoying

-if someone is hollering at you-say nothing. Let them holler and holler and soon enough they will run out of steam...tilting your head makes them think you are listening.

-people who scratch their heads and then flick the dandruff out of their nails are really gross and probably have stinky feet

-what's so horrible about nail biters?

-women who wear more than one ring on each hand are a little bit trashy

-ditto for more than one necklace...or necklaces with a ton of crap attached to it so it jingles when they walk

-grey hair on women is really unbecoming...you can rejoice old age by drinking Earl Grey tea-but dye your hair please

-and if you must have grey hair please no longer than shoulder...any longer and you magically become the witch from Snow White (not that hot looking Step mom....well...her...but after she turns into a witch..)

-a hairy back on a guy is really disgusting...ugh.......wax it please

-bunions are usually on thin women

-once in a while a bag of sour cream and onion chips sure hits the spot

-people in airports generally have bad breath

-fat people who say they do not eat a lot are lying....perhaps even to themselves...they all eat a lot...I've been watching them carefully all my life.....

-is there anything more wretched than an adult with plaque on their teeth?

ok..dh walking in and will boot me off!

Have a Nice Weekend!!

vacation schmacation

So, I am kinda sorta on a mini vacation. Which means my nanny is on a great vacation (Quebec City) and I amtaking days off to watch the kids. While it is great being at home with them and pretending to be a SAHM...I wouldn't call it a 'vacation'.

Today we went to a new park and the boys were good as gold at the beginning-sadly there were no witnesses. Afterwards they scoped out the area and saw there were millions of perfect mothers so at that point decided to become the devil's spawn.

One very smug mother in particular could not take her sanctimonius eyes off me and my naughty boys. She mentally told me 'hrmhp....if they were MY children they would not be so evil'

I wanted to say something to her but that would just make me look crazy AND a bad mother....better just to be a bad mama....sigh....

Mysteries I Ponder
Why when I am searching for something in my pocket it is ALWAYS in the other pocket? WHY? I have a 50% chance of getting it right but I never do..defies logic

Why do I get the same red lights every single day. No matter the time of day I am travelling down that road. I even get red lights when the opposite road is a small side street and it is rarely green-does that make sense? What I mean is even traffic lights on busy roads that are usually green are red for me.....

Why are my boys only well behaved when nobody is around?

Why do I spend so much money on Avon stuff and then never use it?

Why is it when you think about blinking it fucks you up and then you start to force yourself to blink.

If I stand very still and think about it there is always one spot on my body that is itchy.

Why do people say the word 'basically' so much?

ok..must dash!

Ugh!

Somebody left my cage open so I am off for a couple of days.........

Just a quick little post. Why does cereal expand in your stomach? I love cereal and eat it often for dinner....I don't really cook so cereal makes a perfect dinner.

So I managed to eat two substantial bowls and now it is sloshing around in my belly....groan...

I'm With Stupid

Remember novelty t-shirts? T-shirts with slogans or sayings? They were all the rage in the late 70s and early 80s. Not so many of them these days. I suppose I am nerdy enough to really enjoy a good t-shirt...just writing that makes me a nerd.

We could never afford those t-shirts but I remember reading the full page ads in my ‘Betty & Veronica’ comic books. It was for iron-on transfers. The one that really stands out in my mind is:
‘A Touch Of Class’

it was written in script writing and had a ROSE at the bottom. All done in glittery, rainbow colours. Now if that doesn’t scream 'class' then what does? I really wanted that t-shirt.

Also wanted one that read:
‘kid for rent’ thought that was so witty and clever!!! Hahaha 'KID for rent'!! Not House….not power tools..but ‘kid’ hahahahaha.

I had as much fun reading the ads in my comic book as I did the stories. I would look at the price (1 for $2.00 or 3 for $5.00) and then mentally ‘purchase’ 3 of them…hmmm..which ones…the ‘Class’ one of course…and the ‘kid’ one….hmmm..maybe the melting ice cream cone that read ‘Ice Cream’ all in melty rainbow colours….or the ‘I’m with Stupid’ one…

I once sent in my hard earned dollar to one of those ‘Send a dollar and get prizes and samples for free. Yes, that’s right..retailers want you to try their products so they are willing to send it to you for FREE!’.

The picture featured a cornucopia with tons of wrapped gifts tumbling out…..ohh how excited I was! I waited patiently for the 4-6 weeks delivery..all the while imagining all the cool gifts and gadgets I would get for my dollar.

Sadly all that arrived was some dumb brochure…not sure what it was..I was only 9 at the time…I think it had addresses of retailers in the U.S….dang that cornucopia!

My best friend Rosie and I once bought our other friend Linda a t-shirt for her 14th birthday. We had it custom made. Remember those little shops within a shop? They were usually in some variety store...the guy standing on a platform with that huge square iron..bunch of cheap t-shirts in the background and 3 or 4 huge binders full of transfers. We would while away a Saturday afternoon flipping through those transfer books.

The one I found the MOST hilarious and PROMISED myself I would wear when the time came (I didn’t) was one for a pregnant woman. It had an arrow pointing down and the words ‘Under Construction’ written. Sheer brilliance!!!

Or you could also make up your own saying and have it ironed on the t-shirt. We had a great idea for Linda.

We had the guy put ‘Fat Ass’ on the back and something equally as disturbing on the front. We gave it to her with glee and she was very angry and claimed she would NEVER wear the shirt. And why we wondered…..looking back we were somewhat dense, immature young ladies…sigh…..we still play ‘nicky nicky nine door’ at 42 so I suppose we never matured.

There was one saying from the 70s that always kinda freaked me out:

‘Today is the first day of the rest of your life’

I remember asking my eldest sister WHAT this meant. To me it sounded like you were going to die very soon (That day? Yesterday?!!?) and being the hypochondriac death-fearing child that I was, the saying greatly distressed me. Even after she explained it to me I got the shivers everytime I read it.

Nowadays t-shirts are just that…boring t-shirts…let’s try to bring back the sayings t-shirts! I saw one about a month ago that read:

‘There’s no place like 72.17.56.122’.
LOVED IT!!!!! The guy wearing it looked like a BA/Systems Analyst.

So forget that little Lacoste or Tommy logo! Go to a Value Village (or other 2nd hand shop) and get yourself a saying t-shirt…..if you find the ‘Class’ one let me know….

I Don’t Eat Anything with a Face

Vegetarians….fucking vegetarians…can’t stand them…with their smug attitudes..their pretentious-ness….their phenomenal triglycerides….sod the lot of them!

It is rare to find a natural born vegetarian…most begin their journey as smug jackasses sometime during puberty or early 20s. During their early years you can see family photos of them with a big old turkey drumstick clenched in their dimpled hand. Their moms packed them cooked ham and mustard sandwiches during grade school….their favourite food was McDonald Chicken McNuggets and an apple pie (hey-totally off topic but I once found a green worm in my McDonalds apple pie).

But then one day they wake up and decide:
‘hmmm..I think from now on I shall be a sanctimonious asshole’.

And the vegetarian is born.

Every vegetarian I have met has all, at one point or another, said that famous line. The line I think Paul McCartney made up (maybe he stole it from someone?).
The: ‘I don’t eat anything with a face’ line.

Now, there is nothing wrong with this line…quite clever …it’s just the way they say it. They all say it like they just made it up THEMSELVES that very second. They all think that we have not heard that line ever before. Insipid a-holes....

I have never met a vegetarian that did not give up their vegetarian-ism at one point in their lives. And when I confront them as they are tearing a fleshy strip off a big old pork chop they turn it all around and make it sound like meat eaters are 'where it's at'….some even took up hunting! This from someone 5 years earlier refused to walk through a mall food court because it smelled like ‘burning flesh’.

If you are going to be so self righteous than at least stick with the program you moron!

I am constantly addressing the ‘off the wagon’ vegetarians.
‘Remember when you didn’t eat meat? Why are you now eating meat, huh?’
‘ I thought meat eaters were a bunch of savage animals and we should all be eaten by bears?’
‘What happened to that, huh?'

As you can tell, I am an ‘I told you so’ type of person..

You know what I love to do with vegetarians. I love to find an animal product that they either eat or use. It is unavoidable. Do they eat Jello (made from bone marrow) do they use lipstick (some reds made from dead bugs) do they wear leather? Do they eat cheese? (rennet is made from the lining of a milk fed calf). I keep digging and digging until I can say
‘aha-that’s a dead animal’…petty I know but it’s better than shooting them.

Here is another ‘fact’ vegetarians love to spout - and most of them are pretty dumb so they get it all wrong. So many of them will tell me that our teeth and mouths were designed to eat grains and greens and not meat - we are innately vegetarians…it’s the evil cow corporations that are leading us astray.

Well, dingdongs…let me remind you that the reason we have wisdom teeth is before the discovery of fire (which was a long time ago) we had to eat RAW meat. And we needed the extra molars to break down the fibers….once fire was discovered and we cooked our meat then our jaws changed from a ‘U’ shape to a ‘V’ shape rendering the 4 additional molars useless…so stick that in your veggie burger and choke on it.

Now vegans…whoa….vegans….look out. They are just as sanctimonious as vegetarians but they know their stuff. They ‘walk the walk’ and really do not eat/use/clap their eyes on anything that was alive…..cannot make fun of them…..wouldn’t wanna be them but they are beyond my teasing.

Ok..all this bashing has made me hungry….off for an eggplant wrap (I’m a vegetarian-ok..totally kidding)

Things That Make Me Go Barf

Here are a few things that really turn my stomach….what about you?

1. People who do not know how to swallow their spit so it forms in thick white globs on the side of their lips. My stomach is churning just typing this. It makes me so sick. How can people not be aware that their spit is slowly slipping out of their mouths and is being pushed to the corner of their lips. After a few minutes it turns hard and white.

As they talk to me, oblivious to the fact that they are plunging me into nausea, I begin to wipe the corners of my mouth..hoping they will get the hint..they never do….What is it with them? They must have a tiny part of their brain missing..the part that teaches you to swallow your excess spit…it’s like blinking..done subconsciously….so why can’t they? Maybe they just have a brain stem and no actual brain? Hmm..don’t know, but how can any girl kiss a guy like that? Barf.

2. While we are on the spit topic it turns my stomach when people spit. I don’t care if it’s just regular foamy white spit-it is so gross! Do you poo on the sidewalk? No? Then why spit?? It looks very unbecoming and you are leaving a big wet glob for your fellow walkers…have you no shame? Have you no manners? Have you no sex? I’ll bet ya don’t! barf!

3. Spinning rides…I don’t care if it’s the benign Tea Cups or the powerful Zipper..anything that makes me spin makes me sick! What is the fun in that? When has barfing in public become fun? Spinning rides shall all be destroyed…I even hate ‘Ring Around The Rosie’ ….barf

4. People who suck their finger after they cut it…ok….this is really gross. Why are you ingesting blood? Why??? It tastes horrible-like iron..and warm.….it looks really gross…sucking away and then sometimes when they take their injured finger out of their mouths there is blood on their teeth..oh barf..why do this? Why put your germy saliva in your open wound? You make me sick!

5. Veins/skin on chickens. I can only eat skinless boneless chicken breast. When I even think about SKIN all dimply and closely resembling my own skin..and how people get it all 'crispy' and then tear into it-ohh barf...and veins. VEINS! blood tunnels! Veins all springy and snappy in a piece of chicken thigh..the way people pull them out...the way some people EAT them....dear god (of thunder) WHY?? VEINS??!!

4. People eating. This may sound slightly peculiar but sometimes when someone is eating I imagine the journey their food is taking. Being chomped and broken down to gooey mush in their mouths…being swallowed and then all the acids and juices from their bellies being pounded into the mush…ugh…so gross…

Do you know how much goo is in your intestines and stomach? I saw a show on it once about 20 years ago and still think about it today…people are gross..with their gross juices and spit and acids…ugh…and their sweaty pits too…..and the sweat that gathers in the crack of their asses-especially the fatter ones……I suppose it's not people eating that make me sick but people in general. We are all gross pigs….

Now If you’ll excuse me all this gross talk is making me hungry.....

Tastes Like Chicken

Why is everyone in this world hell bent on getting me to eat fish? I dislike all seafood. When someone tries to shove a piece of Hailbut in my face I politely tell them,
‘Mmm no thanks..I don’t like seafood’, and their next line is always,
‘What about lobster? Do you like lobster?’.

Ahhh..what part of I DON’T LIKE SEAFOOD did you not understand? Do lobsters now live on dry land??

I HATE ALL SEAFOOD

And people cannot wrap their heads around this. Oh how they try to convert me!
‘Ohhh you’ve never had my Aunt Bertie's lobster bisque soup…I bet you would like that’.

Ahhh….no I wouldn’t.

• Lobster looks like gigantic cockroaches
• Crabs are ticks on steroids
• Shrimps are monster embryos
• And squid….rubber bands or worse...fried breaded spiders..(shudder)

As for fish-blech…..all scaly or flaky and the smell….

‘Ohhh….try Sole..you’d like Sole…it doesn’t taste like fish…' (here it comes...the famous line) 'it tastes like chicken’.

WHY does everyone brag about seafood tasting like chicken? Does ANYONE like ‘fishy’ fish? I would think that you would like the taste of fish if you are eating it. Why is it always a selling point that the fish you are about to consume does not taste like fish?

‘Ohh try this chocolate…it tastes like corned beef’.

Before you tell me to stop acting like a spoiled child and try something new I will tell you that I HAVE tried seafood…
Have crunched down on a shrimp-gross
lobster-barf
crab-good god (of thunder) I was drunk
It was all disgusting. It all tastes like fish and it all SMELLS.

Am I the only person who can smell seafood? Ever walk into a fish ‘n chips shop? They stink. Fish stinks! Shelled seafood stinks! I don’t think I have to spell out what it smells like…yuck….(use your imagination…think dirty person…and look down-but not too far…yeah..you’ve got it….)

I have now begun to tell people I am allergic to seafood…they still ask,
‘All seafood? What about lobster?’

I nod my head slowly and have a sad, yearning look on my face, ’yes…sigh..even lobster’.

Free Advice

Hi Angela,
I wasn't insulting you, the BA was - by your own admission they are PICKY!
Thank you for acknowledging my comment though - you may have me pegged correctly - like an arsonist I too am seeking attention. I am not advocating arson though.
As for a question, here is one. I usually do my laundry at a laundromat on Wed. evenings. (I know, that's not a question..) My boyfriend (of 4 months) called me on Monday night and told me he was meeting a friend (woman) from his home town for drinks on Wed. night, because she is moving out west. He didn't invite me along, because "you do your laundry that night right?" I would have made the exception, but it didn't seem like he wanted me along. What do you make of this? - Pickles


Pickles.....I will tell you what to do. I will tell you what your friends are dying to tell you but fear a punch in the nose.

Hmm...looks like you got yourself in a pickle (commence eyeroll). Ok..here's what you do.

Tell Mr. Considerate that 'yes' laundry day cannot wait. so HE can do your laundry that Wednesday evening and YOU will take Miss. Flying out West Princess out for a good time (take her to Taco Bell).

Ok...if that won't work then this is what you should do:
Shut your big fat pie hole. LET him take out that two faced beeotch. You-go do your laundry.

Be all 'tra la la fa la la' act like he is going out to get his ingrown toenail removed....
Do NOT ask any questions.
Do NOT call him that night.
Do NOT answer if he tries to call you.
Do NOT talk to him about how it made you 'feel'

Go and get your undies sparkling clean..perhaps chat with the lady who is using the double washer....flirt with the guy who asks you for 'some spare change for a coffee ma'am' have fun! Wheeeeeee

Maybe you can write a limerick about your feelings when you get back home..

One more time today

I like order and everything regimented. Because of that, I like to post at a certain time in the day. Lately, it seems to have gotten quite willy nilly. So, I will post this tonight and then adhere to my evening posting. So here is my response to 'pickles':

Hi Angela,
I left a comment about your rant on our heroic firefighters and quietly heroic Business Analysts....

Ok...Pickles...just because you leave a comment does that mean I must comment? You did not ask me a question..in fact....judging from your limerick you even insulted me...(Angela removing her white glove and slapping you on the cheek).

It is so obvious you are a BA-not only do you keep HOUNDING me....but you are a pretty good limerick writer.....and your love of firefighters is blatant.....why don't you take up arson as a hobby? I hear that's a sure way to see a bunch of firefighters...of course it'll land you in jail...

ZOINKS!!

Although I can gratefully say that I am a Gen X (would cringe if I were a baby boomer-yuck..more on them another day) I prefer to call my generation

The Scooby Generation

We were the kids of the 70s who grew up watching the original Scooby Doo shows...BEFORE Scrappy came on the scene.

Scooby Doo was outstanding! Should have won an Emmy.... It had everything! Mystery! Ghosts! Ghoulish Sea Men! Mummies chasing you….evil marionettes! Groovy teenagers… What else could a 7 year old ask for?

I had a big crush on Daphne....still want her shoes..with that crazy ass buckle...

Do you remember Fred would always try to pan Velma off to Shag and Scoob...now that I am all grown up I realize why-he wanted some 'alone time’ with Daphne..no way could they get into their naughty bits with stout smart Vel around!

We lived our lives hoping to one day stumble upon a real life mystery. For us, there was always the possibility that when we took a book off a shelf the whole thing could swing around and plunge us into a sorcerer’s dungeon.

The Gen Scooby kids all kind of secretly hoped that some mysterious uncle would beckon them to spend a weekend in his mansion in the woods….or that a secret staircase was found in their grandma’s house…just something intriguing…we all just wanted something to happen.

We placated ourselves by watching Scooby Doo every Saturday morning. There we would sit..in our flannel pjs…eating a bowl of ‘Cap’n Crunch’ or ‘Honeycomb’ or my favourite ‘Count Chocula’ and watch those madcap kids chasing down a snow ghost.

But being part of Gen Scooby entails far more than just watching Scooby Doo and eating sugary cereal.

We Scooby kids played outside all summer long. One favourite game was 'British Bull Dog' and when we were feeling really daring we would say 'British Bull Shit' -I now bow to our coolness...

We ate popsicles and knew how to bang them on the variety store counter to spilt the two sicles....always ate one at a time..mmm..grape was my fav but most people favoured cherry.....commoners....

A huge treat for us was getting a big old watermelon on a hot summer evening. We would gorge ourselves on slice after slice…spitting out the dark seeds (this was before the seedless variety). Invariably, on watermelon night one of us kids wet the bed.

We played freeze tag and would tromp through our forest in search of crime..once the boys from our neighbourhood actually stumbled upon a dead body....we were so envious...why hadn't WE found that decaying corpse....why did they get all the luck?

Hey, remember 'ABC After School Specials' they were on the first Wednesday of each month. We would make a mad dash home from school to catch it. The shows were always a bit heavy:
Girl who became paralyzed
Kid’s parents splitting
And if we were lucky-a bunch of kids involved in some mystery...a quasi real life Scooby Doo! On a Wednesday afternoon!

My mom hated Scooby Doo..every once in a while if she walked by the living room and saw us watching it she would exclaim,
'Why aren't those kids in school?'

We would shush her.....or argue back that it was their holiday and they played in a band!! I think she was concerned about teen sex....but we were 7 years old..what did we know? Just pass over the Scooby snacks....

Advice

Hi Angela (Can I call you Angie?)
I like the frank advice you gave Kathy, so here goes...
I've been married for 6 years to a wonderful man. My problem is that my mother-in-law is horrible to me. I have given her two beautiful granddaughters but all she does is criticize me. I'm a stay at home mom. My mother-in-law calls me "fat" in front of my husband and daughters. My husband doesn't defend me and even laughs sometimes. When I confront him he says that his mother is just joking. I hate to go over to her house. She blames me for everything. My five year old daughter had two cavieties and she blamed me for not making sure she brushes her teeth.
I can't take it anymore.
Should I tell her to go to hell?

Fed up

Dear Fed,

Ok..so you sit around home all day and eat bon bons, right? No wonder you are lazy and fat. What's with the cavieties? What do you feed your daughters before bed? Caramel apples?

Perhaps your MIL is using bullying to get you to shape up. I think you should take a nice long look in the mirror and ask

'Am I a fat lazy cow or is my MIL secretly in love with my dh. What is going on here?'

With Flowers in Her Hair...

Is there anything better than a spring fair? The noise, the lights the junk food…..there is something for everyone at a town’s fair.

I’ve always loved fairs and carnivals…was hoping to become a carnie at one point in my life…..travelling around the country…hollering at little kids…..having a cigarette dangling from my lips and pushing that big red button on ‘The Zipper’..flirting with the guy who runs the ‘toss a coin on the plate game’ (it’s fixed). What a life!

But since my career aspirations were never realized I have placated myself by attending every carnival/fair/bunch of rides in a strip mall parking lot extravaganza.

When I was a young girl we had a spring fair in my town called, ‘The Spring Fair’. It was as exciting as its name!

All the cool kids hopped the fence to avoid the 75 cents admission fee. I was never cool nor ‘sporty’ enough to do that. So I had to fork over the dough. Once inside we were surrounded with rides that were sure to cause nausea for 72 hours, and deep fried everything, and even a building that housed both pigs AND pies.

In our younger years we played the flip over the rubber duckie to win a prize (I never won anything) eating waffle cones and scrounging all our money together to go on a few spine tingling rides.

As we grew older we went just to walk around and look cool. We wore our tight Jordache jeans…red striped tube tops….ate grape popsicles and looked for cute guys. After a day of wandering around wiggling our bums it was nice to finally settle in at one of the girl's homes for sour cream and onion chips and orange pop.

We would talk about the carnie with the missing teeth who winked at us…the fat moms banging into our heels with their strollers (why do so many women do this?? Why??) and the cheap kids hanging around at the bottom of The Zipper to grab any loose change that fell out of the riders' pockets.

We also had a winter carnival called ‘The Winter Carnival’. This one was more spectacular because it had SNOW PRINCESSES. The princesses were girls from the 4 local high schools. Each grade had selected their ‘snow princess’ and on Friday night (the ultimate in cool nights for a winter carnival) one lucky contestant would be crowned

The Snow Queen

And what honour was bestowed upon this lucky princess? She received a real fur coat from the local furrier (I had a HUGE crush on the nephew of the furrier) she also had the use of a CAR for the year, and got to sit beside Santa Claus during our ‘Santa Claus Parade’. What girl did not dream of becoming a Snow Queen?

Even as a young child…freezing my toes off and drinking watery hot chocolate that burned my tongue I knew I would never be a snow princess-let alone the Queen. To me they were like movie stars. All smiley and thin with their Farrah Fawcett flips. Their purple eyeshadow and a light spray of freckles across the bridge of their noses. They were the cream of the crop, the chosen few. I had a major crush on all of them.

On Saturday we would go back and drink more watery hot chocolate..skate on the pond, look for snow princesses, look for cute guys from our class and commence the bum wiggling..and eat burgers. The highlight of the carnival was a sky diver who jumped out of an airplane and landed in a big red circle in the centre of the pond. Many years he ended up dangling from a tree…

Years later as a full grown adult I stumbled across our 'Spring Fair' . I dragged my friend to join me in all the merriment. We gorged on corn dogs and pop and sticky caramel popcorn...on burgers and candy floss and beaver tails...yum..then went on a few spinning rides. I barfed more that evening than I had in YEARS! And it was not grown up barf (usually booze) but kid barf (too much candy). So, even at 27 years old I was STILL barfing from eating too much candy...sigh...

Sadly, the ‘Spring Fair’ has been scrapped. But they still have ‘The Winter Carnival’ not sure if snow princesses are invited….but I’ll bet they still serve that watery hot chocolate….

One more time

I love your site. It is hilarious!
I have a dilemma, I want to ask you about. I've seen you write about blow jobs, so I know you're cool. My boy-friend who I've been dating for two months, only seems to like BJs. We do have sex, but he doesn't get off on it. Another thing is that he doesn't like to reciprocate. The other night I asked him to go down on me and he said that it gives him a stomachache. I kind of like this guy but he seems to be selfish.
What do you think? Should I be the bigger person and continue to give him pleasure or should I dump him?

BJ princess

Ok....Princess, your first mistake is giving a guy a bj after knowing him for only two months. At that point of the relationship how much money has he spent on you? How many spiders has he killed for you? How many chick flicks has he had to endure? Not enough!!

So because you are not clever enough to realize this here is my suggestion:

Don't dump him-marry him. He is a man that knows what he wants.

Anyone Else?

Hey, if anyone else wants to be given advice from an untrained crabby person then just ask! You can post anonymously on my comments.....I'll let you have it......

And Now a Word from Kathy

Dear Angela,

I was wondering if you could give me some relationship advice?
I'm a 34 year old woman who has been dating this guy for the past 6 years. The problem is that I want to get married and have kids. My boy-friend keeps saying that he's not ready. I refuse to live with him until we're married. I really love this guy but can't wait forever. My friends tell me to get pregnant and then he'll marry me. What do you think? Should I keep waiting, while my eggs are rotting?
Kathy

Ok..Kathy.....it aint just your eggs that are rotting...I think that pea brain of yours is decomposing pretty damn quickly as well.

Let's just take each path separately and see which one suits you best. Firstly:

1. Getting knocked up in hopes he gets down on bended knee
Ok..let's assume that he does the honourable thing and marries you once you tell him the rabbit died. Now what? Fast forward 1 year. You tired and fat (and 'yes', you will get fat) with a blubbery stomach bouncing a screaming colicky baby in your arms. He, looking at you as if to say 'thanks for the great life sweetheart'.

Having a screaming baby ( and 'yes' your baby will scream) is hard enough..but then to have this schmuck that didn't want to marry you giving you dirty looks every time it happens is beyond horrible....keep taking the pill...

2. Scream like a banshee and beg and plead until he relents and marries you.
If you bully the guy into marrying you it may work-he may have a moment of weakness (coupled with 4 fuzzy navels) and accept your proposal. But if you bully a man to marry you can be guaranteed of 3 things:
1. You can NEVER nag him to take out the garbage, wash his own stinky socks, or anything else.

2. He will always get to pick the vacation spots-hope you like fishing and Star Trek conventions.

3. You will have to give tons of blow jobs during your marriage...other women can stop that after the babies come..but not you my dear..you must always prove to him that he did not make the a wrong decision.

3. Walk away
This is the best option. Leave him. Pack your stuff and let him watch you walk away-bum a wiggling as you go. He may plead and he may beg, he may even change a bit. But make sure he has that ring and a date before you go back...and really...is it worth it to go back? Make sure he is either:
Very rich or
Great in the sack.

If a man is either of these things then you've got a shot at a happy marriage..otherwise...consider spinsterhood....I hear you get to wear those white eyelet flowy nightgowns.........

You Have Spoken

Wow-not only did I get a request to insult a profession but to give advice? (Angela gleefully rubbing her hands together!!).

I LOVE giving advice...usually it's unsolicited and nobody takes it. So I will be happy to give you my opinion-kathy...it was Kathy wasn't it? I am horrible with names!

Ok cops or as they are otherwise known as-pigs, fuzz (my favourite) police officers.

Ok....you know that bully in grade school? The one that would NOT pick on kids his own size? The one who kept flunking math? Well, he grew up to be a cop....

Cops LOVE their job. They LOVE pushing you around. They LOVE that you can't do anything about it and that they can reduce tough macho men into babbling babies (real turn on for the girl sitting beside these macho men-let me tell you!)

Not sure if I am even allowed to make fun of cops...are they protected somehow? hmmm...well I guess I'll find out!

Don't bother pleading when they pull you over for a ticket..or crying or arguing (do NOT do that).

It usually depends on their mood as to whether they will let you off or not. I find the best way to avoid a ticket (I am notorious for not making a complete stop at stop signs) is to agree with EVERYTHING the cop says.

Just tell them that if they say you went through the red then who are you to argue? They are the clever eagle eyed geniuses and you are a lowly evil law breaking citizen. That is your only hope to get out of a ticket...no guarantees......

ok..my advice to Kathy will follow!

Get Off My Lawn!

I have no fears about growing old. I am a hopeless hypochondriac so have always felt like my days were numbered. Was truly surprised I made it to the ripe old age of 12-pretty much had myself pegged as a dead 11 year old.

I even played out my funeral in my mind. My mother wailing beside my coffin..me all young and serene looking..wearing a clean (finally) dress with my hair (finally) combed. Everyone from my class talking about how wonderful I was-it was going to be a blast! Shame I would have to be dead to participate.

So for me to finally make it to senior citizen status will be a coup! Not that I am rushing away my life (technically you can’t really do that). I am enjoying every minute of the time I have just stomping around on this earth. I guess I should say ‘I don’t dread old age’.

Now granted I mean old age minus:
Whizzing in my pants
Having debilitating illnesses
Being crazy

I mean the standard type of old farts..puttering about, retired (amazing incentive for lazy people like me). I peg this fantasy age to be 70 years old. By the time you reach 70 you don’t care what others think of you and it shows.

I want to get that fabulous old lady hairstyle. Steel grey, short with a tight tight perm..I want to wear a slash of red or bright pink lipstick on my non-existent old lady lips, I wanna be able to mutter ‘hrmphhh’ (only old people can truly get away with that).

I want to be able to demand my seniors discount. I want to be able to coo and giggle at the ‘nice looking young man’ and everyone knows it is benign and cute….or just putter about in a flower garden and drink tea from a Royal Albert tea cup…..

I will have a cat or two…and name them really obscure names from towns I have visited.

I want to be able to watch ‘Wheel of Fortune’ and screech (wrong) answers at the TV…I will have a secret crush on Pat.

I already love old people food-soft, mushy, bland and unrecognizable…mmm…and I will be able to eat all the Chips Ahoy! chocolate chip cookies I want-who cares if I gain weight? Now is the time to let loose. I will eat everything I want. Maybe I will even take up smoking-why not? So I will be dead in 20 years-who cares? I’ll be 90!


Now what kind of old person shall I be? The sweet grandmotherly type that bakes cookies and teaches young girls to ‘tat’ (not really sure what this is..think it is done with strings) or a crazy grouchy hag-all the kids whispering that I am a witch.

As the witch I shall spend my days perched in a Queen Anne chair beside my big picture window. There I lay waiting..waiting..like a cat about to pounce on a sweet bluebird….waiting for the innocent sweet child to dash into my front yard to retrieve their errant Frisbee. That’s when I get my starring role,
‘Get off my lawn, boy!’ I holler from the partially open window. Sometimes with a clenched fist waving in the air, and on more daring days I will chase them away with a broomstick (hence, the witch talk).

Once I reach 78 I will move into a retirement home. I do not mean the ones where they park the people out in a hallway..sitting in their wheelchairs..ugh..that is just awful! I mean the ones that charge 2 grand a month (I hope my boys become doctors or electricians-someones gotta pay for this).

They have movie night, and a tuck shop and an ice cream parlor! They have a big media room with giant TVs, and a whole bunch of old people toddling along….cannot wait to just sit around and complain about everything…(sitting around doing nothing is very intriguing to severely lazy people).

I am also planning on being the resident slut. Cannot wait to drop all my inhibitions and get it on with all the male residents there….that’s if my dh is dead and buried or living in Keswick with his new wife….

So, I get to be lazy, eat anything I want, get it on with complete strangers, holler at young ‘ins…be very cheap and not care what I look like…….I think I have found utopia….shame it smells like lavender and moth balls….

'And The Rest'

Accountants
Ok..accountants are really pretty decent people. They are usually a lot funnier than we give them credit for. They are also very nice and have a knack for vegetable gardens.

Accountants are, of course, very cheap. They track every single dime. They know exactly how much is in all of their accounts (and they have TONS of accounts-like little squirrels burying their money for the long winter ahead).

They also have a great deal of self restraint. You will never catch an accountant swearing at the girl behind the McDonalds counter, or telling a cop to ‘f-off’ (not even under their breath), or sneaking a peek at the end of a Mystery novel.

They are modest in dress and think they are HILARIOUS if they wear a ‘Daffy Duck Christmas’ tie for the office holiday dinner. Yeah, anyone who wears those stupid novelty ties is probably an accountant. Female accountants always wear fashion from at least 15 years ago…they think nobody will notice but we all do.

That’s about all I have to say about them..they really are pretty bland…but get a few ‘Fuzzy Navels’ in them and they end up being pretty funny characters..try it….


Firefighters
Ok..who doesn’t love a firefighter? Who? They are brave and strong (anyone who can carry me is a-ok in my book)

They also walk into danger as cowards are running over grandma to run out. They are better equipped at handling a medical emergency than most doctors/nurses/shamans.

They usually have outstanding bodies and great laughs. Many of them are really nice –especially to kids. I really love firefighters.

Their only bad points are as follows:
If you are married to one-look out. You will (at best) never rank higher than their fellow firefighters. So be prepared to play second fiddle..

Some of them have the tendency to cheat-especially the ones that are in the calendars.

Many of them sport moustaches when clearly they would look better without one. And the ones they do grow are so 1970s porn star. They also part their hair wrong-either way off to one side or dead centre.

Their feet are smelly. They make really stinky poops.

That’s about it-all else is divine.

Business Analyst/Systems Analyst
If you have the word ‘anal’ in your job title you can be assured of two things:
1. You are very picky.
2. You smell.

I find these computer geeks to be quite intriguing. They are undeniably geeky but many of them have a creative/quirky side to them. They are either really good at art or reciting poetry or perhaps writing nasty limericks.

I have had a weird secret crush on many BAs…and some of them even smelled…but there is something about them..the way they ask a whole bunch of nonsensical questions….and then scribble it down (face really close to their book as they write)….the way they keep hounding you….the way they never seem to get anything done….yet they are constantly hovering around…

They are peculiar creatures that are great when you get a few beers in them. They are also very good at darts.

Many of them have sweat stains under their arms.



Ok..I’ve exhausted my insults to the career world. If anyone feels I should add in a profession then let me know! I will be more than happy to insult you and your profession!

Have a nice day!

The Most Wonderful Job in the World

Allow me to preface this post with a quick comment. A few of my IRL friends have suggested some professions for me to comment on. So I will be discussing professions for today and tomorrow. After that it will be back to 'fa la la tra la la' and I will stop being so 'mean' as people have told me....hrmphh....I shall make a wonderful old lady 'Get off my lawn you pesky kids' ahhh can't wait! Ok..back to the post!

Ok…a librarian has the best job in the world. Being surrounded by books all day..quiet warm library…the only sounds you hear is a stray cough or the ‘bleep’ sound the check out machine makes. Wandering down the slightly dusty library aisles….making a pit stop in the periodicals….putting away the 3 toys down in the ‘Kidz Zone’….sigh…Such a tranquil calm existence. Such a darling way to live….but are they happy?? Ahhhh…no!!!

Librarians are the crabbiest people you will ever meet (worse than nurses). For some reason they have all decided to be frighteningly angry employees.

And why? Why? What’s so hard about their job?

They sit behind a desk and give people dirty looks.

They collect 55 cents in overdue fees.

What is so hard? The Dewey Decimal System? I learned that in grade 5-piece of cake!

Never mind the ‘sexy’ librarian. Most of them have huge asses and will NOT doll themselves up in some naughty lingerie. They are more likely to go home, feed their 3 cats, open up a can of peaches in heavy syrup for dinner and watch ‘Ally MacBeal’ reruns….forget your fantasies buddy..

When you try to check out your books and you owe money from a book you borrowed in 1994 they act like you are a criminal. I think they LOVE this part of their job.

They will announce VERY loudly (even though they ‘shush’ everyone else!):

Evil Librarian: ‘You OWE $32.95. The system says you still have not returned the book ‘Chicken Stew for the Nerds' Soul’

Poor You: ‘I…err…returned that book 14 years ago…I’m positive.’

Evil Librarian: ‘The system does not indicate that. WE do not have this book. Please return the book and pay the fine or pay for the book. I CANNOT check out these books for you until you do’

I am wanted in 5 different libraries….I have even used my sister’s library card when I was denied..then I ruined her credit…..librarians hate me…and the feeling is mutual.

Their only saving graces are as follows: they are usually very smart, well read, shower daily, iron their clothes, never speed, and have nice quiet sneezes (my favourite).

No More Pencils

You know who really complains a lot and it irks me to no end? Teachers. They are notorious complainers!

If you hear someone bitching that the movie theatre is too cold-you can bet it’s a teacher.

Or someone loudly complaining that the line in Sears is too long -that’ll be a teacher.

Or even if the pizza they ordered does not have enough green olives on it-they will call and complain.

They LOVE to complain-they also love green olives on their pizza. And don’t think they will pay extra for more green olives-oh no…they are far too cheap for that!

Teachers are really really cheap. I have heard stories of them squabbling over a nickel-yes…a nickel….five cents….yet they all earn more than you and me.

Here in Ontario they are unionized which equals: get loads of money for doing nothing-so they can’t complain about wages (although they certainly do) and they get two months off every summer

TWO MONTHS OF NO WORK!!! TWO STINKING MONTHS OFF!

Meanwhile, the rest of us eejits go in every single day…..
’Oh look dear..it’s June…well that’s it for me until September….put on ‘The Price is Right’.
And they get 2 weeks off for Christmas and another week off for the spring break. Yet they still complain!!

Ok-their pension. I think the Ontario Teachers’ pension owns just about everything (I think they just bought the Magna Carta) so, when they do retire (at 50) they get more money in their decrepit old age than you will make in your entire lifetime.

So what do they have to complain about? They make buckets of money, have a better pension than CEOs and really-what’s so hard about teaching the 6 times table? What’s so hard about reading ‘Charlotte’s Web’? Ok..you will probably cry at the end (the spider dies) but that’s not too bad.

Teachers also treat all parents as if they are the complainers. They have no TIME to discuss Olivia's report card and always come into meeting with a chip on their shoulder. Granted they do have to deal with a lot of parents who think their genius child deserves an A+ and why did you Mr. Teacher only give her a B- clearly something is wrong..so I will give them that..


Teachers are just bitter folks who have unrealized dreams (nobody goes into teaching-they all wanted to be writers or artists or candlestick makers) but they FAILED. They are failures in their life quest..so they became teachers…..I personally think that they’ve got the 2nd best job in the world yet they are always complaining about it!

So here’s a message to all you teachers:
‘Get a spine, quit your bitching and get to work.’


Their saving graces are as follows: hmmm..this is tough….they are good at remembering which months have 30 days…they have GREAT penmanship….they are neat in appearance, clean, and are good with animals..they also don’t gamble or read pornography….

Code Bitch

This one is for my sister Tina and my friends Dee and Anita…

Here are MY opinions of our lovely nurses......

What comes to mind when you think of a nurse? It’s either the ‘naughty’ nurse from those B porn movies you watched as a pubescent little scamp or the kindly caring woman with the soft round hips who will make you feel all better. 'There, there little one' she will softly coo in your ear, 'let me just fluff your pillow...'.

You are WRONG! Nurses (94.6% of them) are a bunch of bitches (and this includes the male ones).

I know many nurses and they are exempt from my studies (I am only saying that so they don’t punch me in the nose).

Nurses are mean and rude and extremely judgmental. Heaven help you if you smoke or do anything that a nurse finds remotely bad for your health. They will let you have it-either by giving you a stern lecture or by giving you a nasty look that they seem to have perfected. How can you complain about a ‘look’? It’s easy to deny…nurses got your number-don’t even bother trying to complain.

If you are ever unfortunate enough to have a hospital stay then heed my warning:

Do not ring the call bell.

The nurses get VERY angry at anyone who rings this bell. It does not matter if your bed mate has stopped breathing, or you are in immense pain..do NOT disturb the nurses! They are busy sitting in the nursing station bitching about you and the doctors.

Oh, and god (of thunder) help you if you ask for pain meds. It does not matter if you just had open heart surgery and all you are asking for is a couple of Tylenol #3s. The nurse will treat you like a heroin addict-look at you disdainfully and tell you ‘It’s not time yet’ or ‘Are you sure you need one?’

If you manage to stagger to the nursing station (after you lay waiting for a nurse to appear after ringing the ‘bell’) and ask for assistance this is what will happen:

Bitch nurse: (first she and her cronies will ignore you…..as you stand there..bleeding…then after 7.3 minutes she will scowl at you and bark: ‘YES???”

Poor You: 'ahhh…errr..I was wondering if someone can help me? My leg seems to have fallen off’

Bitch Nurse: ‘what room are you in?”

Poor You: ‘errr…..306’

Bitch nurse: ‘I’m NOT you’re nurse’

Poor You: ‘Can I speak to my nurse?’

Bitch Nurse: ‘No..she’s on break’

With that she will walk into that secret office behind the nursing station. What is in that office? What? I imagine it filled with chocolate eclairs and weekly magazines. In there they sit discussing how incompetent doctors are (after all-they do all the work..they RUN the floor) and they also gossip about every other nurse who is not there….

So, stay out of hospitals. But nurses are nasty everywhere-not just in hospitals. I have asked nurses that I know for a diagnosis for an imagined medical condition I was suffering from (I'm a notorious hypochondriac). When I cornered them in a room and gave them my symptoms they all tell me the same thing:
‘It could be a number of things..go see your doctor’.

What good is personally knowing a nurse if they never give you information?? Not only do they remain tight-lipped about all they know but when they say ‘go see your doctor’ they say it as if they KNOW you have a terminal illness and they don’t want to be the ones to break it to you….cowards…mean cowards…

Nurses are also horrible joke tellers, sneak 17 items in the 'no more than 8 items' lines, and have dry hands..their only saving grace is they have nice arms and long nail beds..they're also usually slender…they do not talk loudly in a movie theatre...oh and many of them are good in math.

Once Upon A Time

Well we had a wonderful day out today. At the park at first I was getting the 'look' from all the perfect moms. What with my kids throwing sand and stealing toys but then the stars and heaven shone down on me. In walked two thin moms each pushing a stroller. They unloaded their kids and then each had a cigarette! Took the heat off me..my kids might be bad but at least I don't smoke! I wanted to go up to the two moms and smooch their nicotine lips....

We then went to a wading pool-only got yelled at a few times. Then nap (all three in the same bed of course)

Then out for pizza...and now dh is giving them a bath. Their favourite show is on tonight 'Just for Laughs' dunno why they like it-it's not like they get it..oh well...then off to bed. I take Ben up for bedtime..we stare out his window for a while....then grab a book and read...

Have you read your kid's fairy tales lately? Yeeouch! Every night I take Ben to bed and we read a story together. He has this ‘Gigantic Book of Fairy Tales’. Being just 3 he is not interested in long stories (prefers books with loads of candy and cookie pictures) So lately, I will park him into bed and plunk ‘The Night Before Christmas’ on his lap (yeah, I know it’s July) and then pick up his ‘Gigantic Book of Fairy Tales’ for myself. I read a tale each night.

Do you know the story of ‘The Little Matchbox Girl’? This poor girl was physically abused by her father, mother dead, poor and cold…and all she wishes for is death….I won’t ruin the ending for you…..but I cried myself to sleep that night…

And ‘Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves’ that guy is not only a thief but when his brother dies (thieving as well) he marries his widow!!! And Mr. Baba already HAD a wife!!!

And ‘The Pied Piper’ (!!!!!!!) not the kind of book a new mother wants to read….bastard…I always thought he brought the kids back but he didn’t! In some imaginary land there is a big cave with a whole bunch of kids inside.

We also have 2 versions of ‘The Three Little Pigs’ and in one of them the dumb cheap pigs with straw and stick house do NOT get devoured by the dastardly wolf..but managed somehow to ‘run away’. The pic depicts the wolf after his ‘huff ‘n puff’ and far off in the distance a cheap piggy slinking away…

Hey, and did you know that after Jack fell (from Jack & Jill) he smothered his head with vinegar and brown paper? Do you see the magical properties in vinegar?? It’s even used to repair broken crowns!

I am a tad embarrassed to admit this but it’s getting to be an obsession for me…I will hush my son when I am engrossed in one of his fairy tales…definitely not the kind of memories I wanna make but I’m hoping he will have no recollection of this time anyway…

I’m nearing the end of the book…only ‘Thumbelina’ is left…..I already read ‘Tom Thumb’ those two should get it on…seriously….what other girl will go near ‘Tom Thumb’?