Aregostaul

I discovered something I used to just ignore before I had kids-most mothers (76%) have their heads stuck wayyyy up their children’s asses.

For the most part all moms are so wrapped up in little junior’s life they can’t see how ridiculous they are when they BRAG about their children’s MINOR accomplishments.

Like, I poo in the toilet every day but you don’t see ME bragging about it. I can also count to 1000 (even more if I wanted to) and I love broccoli.

‘Oh, my kids are GREAT!’ they tell me (zzzzzzzzzzz). What with their mini vans (barf) and moms group (all those women are elitist who sniffed me out as an imposter right away ) and their Jessica Seinfeld cookbook (my kids don’t eat my cooking..well…nobody eats my cooking).

And am I the ONLY one without GENIUS children? It seems every other child is a GENIUS or ‘advanced’. They are not only reciting Robert Frost at age 3 but they have figured out negative numbers (I still haven’t) and say big words like ‘redundant’ or ‘coincidence’….meanwhile, all my kids do is pick their noses, fight with each other and count to 10 (they miss 5 and 6 and repeat 7 and 8 twice)

Here’s another pet peeve-do not stick little junior on the phone when you are talking to me. Good god (of thunder) do you REALLY think I called you so I could have a three minute conversation with ‘Olivia’?

‘Helllloooo Olivia!!’ I exclaim all sugar sweetly. ‘Olllivvviiaaa…hiiiii…how are youuuuu??’ ‘What are you doing Oliviaaaaaaa?’

Then Olivia will respond with ‘aregostaul’…and then loads of heavy breathing.

Please don’t stick your kid on the phone…please…..it is torture for the caller. When a friend does that to me I am silently weeping on the other end. Frantically figuring out what to say to this kid with the IQ of a Golden Retriever..

I promised myself a lot of things when I had children and one of them was I would NEVER say ‘oh hang on….junior wants to talk to you’ and I am proud to report I have kept that promise! The only people I will force this upon is their father and my mother-that is it!

So rest assured if you call me I will not only NOT brag about my kids but I will also not force you to converse with them. It’s all me baby….alllll meeeeee….aregostaul….