Southpaw Drawl

If I weren’t so lazy (and stupid and confused) I would fight to get left handed people labeled as a visible minority. We lefties are obviously visible minorities and I challenge anyone to disagree. Here are my lukewarm points:

1. We were feared in days gone by. Not only were left handed children whipped until they learned to write with their right hand-but it was said that left handed people served 7 years with the devil after they died. So we were so evil we were not even allowed one way tickets to the Pearly Gates..we had to take a connecting flight from Hades…

2. We are segregated in classrooms-in every high school classroom I have been in there were only 2 or 3 ‘left handed’ desks available. So as a lefty, I was forced to charge the room to seek out that lefty desk..if I was one of the unlucky lefties who was too slow/stupid/busy staring at that guy’s crotch…I was forced to either sit at the back on a bench or had to struggle all semester writing on a ‘righty’ which forced me to maneuver my body and writing style so I resembled an eager monkey being trained to write.

3. It is a known fact (do not ask me to back this up-I will flip you the bird-with my left hand) that lefties die sooner. I think it has to do with all the accidents we are involved in as we are forced to live in a righty world.

4. Sayings all point to lefties being wrong or bad. As in:

‘I’ve got two left feet’
‘That’s a left handed remark’
Whereas ‘righty’ sayings are all great..as in:
‘Right On!’
‘You’re Right’

5. When a mother first learns her child is going to be left handed they make it sound like they discovered Junior frying ants with a magnifying glass.

‘I noticed Olivia picking up her Crayolas with her left hand…and she favours her left hand when she picks her nose….hmmmm….not sure but I think she may be left handed…sigh…’

6. All those ‘Strictly Southpaw’ stores are tacky and never do well (including Ned Flander’s shop) and as a lefty you feel obliged to go into these shops.

You get a feeling of ‘yeah….I belong…yeah…down with righties!’ as you pace down the dusty aisles…looking at ‘lefty mugs’ or ‘lefty toilet paper holders…..all so utterly tacky and sad…..why are we such a minority…on the losing team….

I am tired of having ink stains along the side of my left hand!
I am tired of people pointing out my difference ‘Hey, I didn’t know you were a lefty!!!’
I am tired of not being able to cut fabric.
Lefties UNITE!!!!

I have made it my mission in life to gather all the lefties to fight for my cause. Every single one of them has laughed in my face when I ask them to join me in my quest to make us a visible minority….nobody seems bothered……maybe I should start exercising or something…get a hobby…I hear scrapbooking is big……hmmmm…gotta get me a sweater with kittens on it..