Vegetarians….fucking vegetarians…can’t stand them…with their smug attitudes..their pretentious-ness….their phenomenal triglycerides….sod the lot of them!
It is rare to find a natural born vegetarian…most begin their journey as smug jackasses sometime during puberty or early 20s. During their early years you can see family photos of them with a big old turkey drumstick clenched in their dimpled hand. Their moms packed them cooked ham and mustard sandwiches during grade school….their favourite food was McDonald Chicken McNuggets and an apple pie (hey-totally off topic but I once found a green worm in my McDonalds apple pie).
But then one day they wake up and decide:
‘hmmm..I think from now on I shall be a sanctimonious asshole’.
And the vegetarian is born.
Every vegetarian I have met has all, at one point or another, said that famous line. The line I think Paul McCartney made up (maybe he stole it from someone?).
The: ‘I don’t eat anything with a face’ line.
Now, there is nothing wrong with this line…quite clever …it’s just the way they say it. They all say it like they just made it up THEMSELVES that very second. They all think that we have not heard that line ever before. Insipid a-holes....
I have never met a vegetarian that did not give up their vegetarian-ism at one point in their lives. And when I confront them as they are tearing a fleshy strip off a big old pork chop they turn it all around and make it sound like meat eaters are 'where it's at'….some even took up hunting! This from someone 5 years earlier refused to walk through a mall food court because it smelled like ‘burning flesh’.
If you are going to be so self righteous than at least stick with the program you moron!
I am constantly addressing the ‘off the wagon’ vegetarians.
‘Remember when you didn’t eat meat? Why are you now eating meat, huh?’
‘ I thought meat eaters were a bunch of savage animals and we should all be eaten by bears?’
‘What happened to that, huh?'
As you can tell, I am an ‘I told you so’ type of person..
You know what I love to do with vegetarians. I love to find an animal product that they either eat or use. It is unavoidable. Do they eat Jello (made from bone marrow) do they use lipstick (some reds made from dead bugs) do they wear leather? Do they eat cheese? (rennet is made from the lining of a milk fed calf). I keep digging and digging until I can say
‘aha-that’s a dead animal’…petty I know but it’s better than shooting them.
Here is another ‘fact’ vegetarians love to spout - and most of them are pretty dumb so they get it all wrong. So many of them will tell me that our teeth and mouths were designed to eat grains and greens and not meat - we are innately vegetarians…it’s the evil cow corporations that are leading us astray.
Well, dingdongs…let me remind you that the reason we have wisdom teeth is before the discovery of fire (which was a long time ago) we had to eat RAW meat. And we needed the extra molars to break down the fibers….once fire was discovered and we cooked our meat then our jaws changed from a ‘U’ shape to a ‘V’ shape rendering the 4 additional molars useless…so stick that in your veggie burger and choke on it.
Now vegans…whoa….vegans….look out. They are just as sanctimonious as vegetarians but they know their stuff. They ‘walk the walk’ and really do not eat/use/clap their eyes on anything that was alive…..cannot make fun of them…..wouldn’t wanna be them but they are beyond my teasing.
Ok..all this bashing has made me hungry….off for an eggplant wrap (I’m a vegetarian-ok..totally kidding)
It is rare to find a natural born vegetarian…most begin their journey as smug jackasses sometime during puberty or early 20s. During their early years you can see family photos of them with a big old turkey drumstick clenched in their dimpled hand. Their moms packed them cooked ham and mustard sandwiches during grade school….their favourite food was McDonald Chicken McNuggets and an apple pie (hey-totally off topic but I once found a green worm in my McDonalds apple pie).
But then one day they wake up and decide:
‘hmmm..I think from now on I shall be a sanctimonious asshole’.
And the vegetarian is born.
Every vegetarian I have met has all, at one point or another, said that famous line. The line I think Paul McCartney made up (maybe he stole it from someone?).
The: ‘I don’t eat anything with a face’ line.
Now, there is nothing wrong with this line…quite clever …it’s just the way they say it. They all say it like they just made it up THEMSELVES that very second. They all think that we have not heard that line ever before. Insipid a-holes....
I have never met a vegetarian that did not give up their vegetarian-ism at one point in their lives. And when I confront them as they are tearing a fleshy strip off a big old pork chop they turn it all around and make it sound like meat eaters are 'where it's at'….some even took up hunting! This from someone 5 years earlier refused to walk through a mall food court because it smelled like ‘burning flesh’.
If you are going to be so self righteous than at least stick with the program you moron!
I am constantly addressing the ‘off the wagon’ vegetarians.
‘Remember when you didn’t eat meat? Why are you now eating meat, huh?’
‘ I thought meat eaters were a bunch of savage animals and we should all be eaten by bears?’
‘What happened to that, huh?'
As you can tell, I am an ‘I told you so’ type of person..
You know what I love to do with vegetarians. I love to find an animal product that they either eat or use. It is unavoidable. Do they eat Jello (made from bone marrow) do they use lipstick (some reds made from dead bugs) do they wear leather? Do they eat cheese? (rennet is made from the lining of a milk fed calf). I keep digging and digging until I can say
‘aha-that’s a dead animal’…petty I know but it’s better than shooting them.
Here is another ‘fact’ vegetarians love to spout - and most of them are pretty dumb so they get it all wrong. So many of them will tell me that our teeth and mouths were designed to eat grains and greens and not meat - we are innately vegetarians…it’s the evil cow corporations that are leading us astray.
Well, dingdongs…let me remind you that the reason we have wisdom teeth is before the discovery of fire (which was a long time ago) we had to eat RAW meat. And we needed the extra molars to break down the fibers….once fire was discovered and we cooked our meat then our jaws changed from a ‘U’ shape to a ‘V’ shape rendering the 4 additional molars useless…so stick that in your veggie burger and choke on it.
Now vegans…whoa….vegans….look out. They are just as sanctimonious as vegetarians but they know their stuff. They ‘walk the walk’ and really do not eat/use/clap their eyes on anything that was alive…..cannot make fun of them…..wouldn’t wanna be them but they are beyond my teasing.
Ok..all this bashing has made me hungry….off for an eggplant wrap (I’m a vegetarian-ok..totally kidding)
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